Praise

From the iMonk: Mary Consoles Eve

/ Paul Burkhart / Leave a comment

I found this at the site of Michael Spencer (a.k.a. The Internet Monk).  This guy is having an increasing amount of influence and inspiration on my thinking as a Christian in this world.  You find him at The Internet Monk. Anyway, I love this piece of art and the poem.

Crayon & pencil drawing by Sr. Grace Remington, OCSO. Copyright 2005, Sisters of the Mississippi Abbey

_______________

O Eve!

My mother, my daughter, life-giving Eve,

Do not be ashamed, do not grieve.

The former things have passed away,

Our God has brought us to a New Day.

See, I am with Child,

Through whom all will be reconciled.

O Eve! My sister, my friend,

We will rejoice together

Forever

Life without end.

— Sr. Columba Guare copyright© 2005 Sisters of the Mississippi Abbey

_______________

This was found by Michael Spencer at Inside Catholic.

A Twitter Gospel: the contest

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Scott Thomas, director of Acts29 Church Planing Network, held a contest on the Acts29 Twitter account for the best statement of the Gospel in 140 characters or less.  The winner gets a free copy of Mark Driscoll’s new book “Religion Saves”.

If you go to this site, you can find all 95 entries.  Mine is number 54 on the list:

a holy God w/ holy demands you don’t meet has both fulfilled these demands & taken the wrath due you. repent & believe he’s done it

My other favorite was this one (number 37):

we suck, Jesus doesn’t & never did, was slaughtered, defeated death & desires to exchange your crap for His perfection

They are asking that you vote for your top 3 favorite tweets by commenting on the bottom of the blog with the entries, messaging Scott on his facebook, or by going to the Acts29 Twitter page and “tweeting the numbers in order of preference followed by hashtag #gospeltweet. For instance: ‘@acts29 101, 98, 107 #gospeltweet'”

So go vote, and if you like mine, remember it’s number 37.

You can follow the votes  so far here.

Have some fun with it.

Wittgenstein, Edwards, & the Substance of Things | Philsophy & Theology {III}

/ Paul Burkhart / 1 Comment

I’ve been slowly working my way through Ludwig Wittgenstein’s “Tractatus Logicus-Philosophicus” and I ran across some ideas that seemed to connect with some of the ideas of Jonathan Edwards I had read in George Marsden’s “Jonathan Edwards: A Life.” This is not a comprehensive look at Wittgenstein’s thought, just how one facet of it can help illuminate Theological metaphysics. I will do my best to put this into normal, down-to-earth language, but metaphysics, by definition, talks about some really heady things. This really is not me just trying to sound smarter. My hope is to give anyone that reads this a bigger grander idea of just beautiful the Reality God has formed actually is, and therefore, a bigger grander idea of how beautiful this God is.

In Wittgenstein’s Tractatus he talks about the nature of possibility, things, being, language, and philosophy. He writes that people are objects of infinite possible properties. Before you’re born, there is an infinite number of various properties you may hold, but none of these properties are inherent to yourself. You have to borrow properties from the substance of this existing world, this realm of existence. So, the substance of the world decides your properties. If this were a world where people flew, one of those infinite possibilities would be that you could maybe fly. This isn’t the case. So, Reality (which Wittgenstein defines as just “the present”) decides your properties.

But (and this is where it gets fun) these properties that you have, in turn, help determine the substance of this world. There being no people in the world that fly helps determine that this world is one where no one flies. This allows for a certain dance between the world and us where each side helps influence the other. This is most readily seen in evolution.

Now, this is where Edwards’ ideas begin to enter in. This whole situation can also work on a bigger level. Before, we were talking about how the substance of the world help determine our properties that help determine the substance of this world. But, how where does the world itself get its substance? Christians would say that the world gets its substance from its relation to God – the Maker and Sustainer of all things. So, now lets start the thinking process over again. The substance of the world has infinite possible properties that are determined by God who upholds all things.

(I know this will sound heretical, but I promise it’s not) God has a a freedom of possibility but not an infinitude of possibility. He has one nature and one set of properties defined by His Own Substance, which is Triune Deity. His substance is the substance that determines the set of properties of the world that in turn help determine the properties of people that in turn helps determine the substance of the world. But, the world doesn’t in turn help determine God. This is where the Creator/creature distinction comes into play. There is a mysterious connection between God and His Creation, but not such that they are the same. Unlike God (as creation and creature), we have infinitude of possibility, but not freedom of possibility. We can be anything (within this world) but we don’t have the freedom to be anything.

Now this next point is important. We see through this process that there a reasonable hierarchy and system of determinants (things that determine the substance of other things). This hierarchy begins with God. Nothing determines His Substance, but he determines the substance of all other things. Therefore, our very being ultimately rests in God Himself. Further, the expressions of our properties ultimately show themselves in our willful choices and actions. When we act, we are expressing our properties. So, our willful actions are actually based on our relation to the substance of this world (remember the connection between these two things from earlier?).

So, in conclusion, who God is in His nature determines the substance of the world that determines our properties that determine our wills. So, when we freely act, we are actually, acting in accordance with our relation to the nature of God. We either love God or hate God. We either act in line with the substance of the world that caused our properties, or we act in line with and are joined to the Substance of the substance of the world, God. This God who, as I said earlier, is the only Being with a true freedom of possibility (but not infinitude of possibility). This means that we can both know who this God actually is while also having full faith He is able to do and accomplish all He sets out to do in us and for us.

We truly serve an awe-some God.

What is Faith? (a call to Atheism)

/ Paul Burkhart / 3 Comments

art by Amy Roberts

art by Amy Roberts (see bottom for link)

My good friend Monica sent me an email with a link to this New York Times blog that had a little weekend competition:

define “Faith”

The post gave the Bible’s definition of faith, a few quotes from others on what faith is and then told other “co-vocabularists” to offer their definitions (the pithier the better).

In a display ad absurdem and ad nauseam of the make-up of NYTimes readers, the vast majority of “definitions” are atheistic rants about how faith is just believing things that are so plainly and clearly not true.  It’s the opiate of the masses.  It’s the crutch that helps weak-minded people get through life.  So on and so forth.

I understand the sentiment.  I do.  And I also see why they think that.  It was just comical seeing post after post after post of people that were so clearly speaking from such bitterness, hurt, and pain that went well beyond “calm, collected reason”.  Even the atheist puts some level of faith in things, even though they feel like this faith is justified by their logical deductions.  Faith isn’t a bad word.  It doesn’t have to be religious at all.  My mac dictionary’s first definition for it is “complete trust or confidence in someone or something.”  The second definition is the religious one!  But in spite of this, that word, for some reason, touches such a deep nerve within those hostile to Christianity that they must do more than simply display a disagreement with a prevailing notion.  It’s not good enough being a-theistic, they must be anti-theistic.

And that, I find, is very interesting.  It implies that atheism is more than a lack of belief.  It can’t stay at that merely reasoned philosophical place.  It is at its core a most outward expression of the rebellion of the heart, and the antagonism of that rebellion must and will come out.

Don’t get me wrong, I love atheists! I do!  But it looks like Atheism is becoming the new radical fundamentalism of the urban United States.  Now I know how absurd all us Christians probably looked for the past 50+ years with all of our political activism, ad hominem attacks on dissenters, made-up “culture wars” to agitate our base, over-excessive vitriol against “opponents” of our system, a circling of the wagons to maintain a false sense of security for “us” and ease of insult towards “them”, and a childish fanatical assent to a few tired (fundamental) tenets with a few tired (apologetic) defenses made by a few tired (hyperbolic, caricatured) leaders that are already irrelevant.

I guess its Atheism’s turn to take the wheel.  Try not to mess up the country in the same ways we did.  Neither you guys nor us have history on our side when it comes to our particular systems reigning supreme.  Things just don’t seem to go well.  Have fun.

As far as my contribution to the discussion?  Here was the little definition I gave:

FAITH: trusting that another has accomplished on your behalf what you ought to have done but can’t.

Grace and peace.

and Faith.

[more artwork by Amy Roberts can be found here]

The Big News II (I’m not leaving Philly, it seems)

/ Paul Burkhart / 5 Comments

I, Paul Burkhart, now have a real job.

Like, a real real one.

Yesterday, I was accepted for a position at a program called Project Transition as a “Psychiatric Rehabilitation Counselor” (assuming that my background checks clear, of course. Until then, I can’t actually say I’m “hired” per se, I’m still a “candidate”). In short, this is my dream job. I will have a case load of about 5 individuals recovering from various mental disorders who I will pour into their lives trying to help them reintegrate into society. I will teach classes to everyone in the program on various parts of living life healthily. I will be doing assessments and creating treatment plans for my case load. The people I will work with seem amazing. Benefits kick in after only a month. It’s really good pay (at least for an entry level job). I will even have my own office space (and desk!).

The philosophy of the organization is right in line with mine: that people are not defined by their disease. They are fundamentally healthy individuals struggling with a disorder, rather than the view that would treat them as primarily disordered individuals struggling for health. It was so exciting sitting there as they told me everything about the organization. That reminds me, the interview itself was strange too. It was one of those weird circumstances that seems to surreal and – for lack of a better word – supernatural. In the entire interview I didn’t say more than a couple of sentences. They didn’t really ask me many questions. It was more like “hey, this is who we are. Wanna join us?”. It was so strange. I have the weakest resume one could imagine. I have waiting tables at Applebee’s and tutoring elementary school students on there and that’s it. Hardly the resume to get someone a professional counseling job. But nevertheless, I walked in, and the founder of the organization had made one of his monthly visits to this particular site just to interview me. When I got there, everyone already knew my name and who I was. When the founder had to leave the interview early and leave me with the site coordinators, he had the secretary send down paperwork to hire me, even before the interview was actually over! (Running the risk of sounding overly charismatic or Osteen-ish) I felt like I was walking in “supernatural favor”. Or something like that.

So what does all this mean? Well firstly, even though I loved and adored my time in Richmond the past few weeks and really wanted to move back there, it seems that God has intended for me to have longer-term plans for Philly. This job really is something I’m going to want to stay at for awhile. The people I will be around, the experiences I’ll get, and the real-word education I’ll receive (all while still taking WTS counseling classes) will be invaluable to me. So I’m here to stay, it seems. This would probably have been a problem a couple months ago, but recently Philadelphia has opened up to me (specifically South Philly) and I have met so many people I really want to live life deeply with for a while longer before moving on (not to mention my biggest bromances are here and here. Don’t worry, I haven’t forgotten you, you, and you).

So here’s to God for blessing me far more than I could ever imagine. I pray this drives me further to Him and doesn’t make me feel like I don’t need him now. Because I do. I’ve definitely been seeing that greatly the past few weeks, and this has been the first little ray of light to burst out from the haze I’ve been in.

Philly, here I stay.

The big news . . .

/ Paul Burkhart / 5 Comments

Nope, not engaged.

Several people here in Philadelphia know this, but I realize hardly anyone in Richmond does, so here I am writing this now.

I won’t be coming back to Westminster next year.

Long story short, my undergraduate loan payments have been steadily increasing and are now getting to a place where my parents can’t handle it alone – nor should they (before you all ask: no, this isn’t the kind of loan that waits until I’m done to require payments; no, my parents can’t consolidate it; yes, we’ve thought through it all).  I’ve decided to take at least a year off from graduate studies to get a full time job somewhere and help pay some things off.I’m focusing in Philadelphia, and trying to stay here, but I’m also looking at jobs in other places (especially Richmond).

Academically, what does this mean?Well, so far I’m still signed up for one counseling class next semester in the evenings, but I’m going to start applying to various Ph.D. programs and seeing what happens.There’s a program at Princeton I’ve fallen in love with in “Psychology and Social Policy”.I’ve realized that I was seeing seminary somewhat as a potential aid in getting into a Ph.D. program, but frankly, it’s seems to only be hurting my chances (on many levels).So, I’ll see if I can get in without it and then go back to Westminster afterwards if I want.

Practically, this means a lot more time and freedom to read what I want, write what I want, minister in different ways, and just generally feel like an actual member of society.I’ve already started writing a little bit more, doing more web stuff (Reform & Revive has been amazing recently!), and (I can’t believe I’m admitting this now), I’ve started a podcast which I’ll write on more later.

Spiritually speaking, what does this mean?Well, the answer to that question deserves a whole post in its self.I’ve been encouraged that as the workload lightens and I seem to be leaving seminary in a sense, I find myself driven more to prayer and the Word of God than while I was in seminary.They don’t tell you that seminary is not a secluded spiritual resort, but rather the darkest front lines of battle.This has been the most intense spiritual year of my life.I’ve had some of my darkest nights and moments this past year.I’ve gone my longest stints ever without drawing near to my Lord in any way.In short, it’s been rough.In short, it’s been painful.In short, I think I came to seminary too soon.I came too young.I wasn’t ready to handle the weight that this institution would hold.I have not developed the maturity and cultivation necessary to have an anchor in my soul beyond my sheer white-knuckled will.

Now, don’t get me wrong, this past year has been amazing.It’s also been the best year of my life, I think.That’s generally how God works.Very Dickensian: the best of times, the worst of times . . ..I wouldn’t give this past year back for anything.My love, affection, and knowledge of my Lord have grown exponentially.If I never go back to seminary I will forever be grateful to the Providence of God for giving me these two semesters.

God has always dealt with me in such a way that I had a very good sense of what the future held for me.This is the first time in my life that he has allowed everything to really fall apart all around me in a matter of weeks.And this is his mercy to me.This is his love for me.It is his commitment to make me need him, because he himself is what I need the most.He is my anchor.He is my certainty.He is my Lord, and my God, and I love him.

So, we’ll see what life holds.God has still been gracious to me in this time. I have great friends and my church (though still going through so much turmoil) has still been healthy and amazing.  I’ve even realized that my life as it was wasn’t very financially sustainable.  I couldn’t continue into my mid- and later-20s still asking my parents for rent money while working 15-hour work weeks at various low hourly rates.  I should have decided to so this regardless of money.

I feel it’s appropriate I’ve written this entire post while I sit in what may be my last seminary class ever, Medieval Church.Which is a appropriate, I suppose.Just like this strange period in history, and more specifically where we are in this last class, I sit here with my Rome having fallen, some dark ages having passed, standing on the cusp of my Reformation, waiting to rediscover the nearness of my Lord.

Feel free to ask any questions you may have.

Facebook for lent . . .

/ Paul Burkhart / 2 Comments

For lent, it was suggested that I give up Facebook.At first, I was very hesitant.Then I wondered, “why am I so hesitant?”I had been saying for a while that I would go a week or so off Facebook, but had yet to do so.Why?

This hesitancy revealed a very strong hold Facebook had on me.Whenever I got on the internet, I would check it.I would check it numerous times an hour, being disappointed every time that little red flag didn’t appear on the bottom right-hand corner of my screen.I would spend embarrassing amounts of time clicking through pictures, checking up on old friends, or reading notes.now these things are okay, but it had become a conditioned response to me getting on the internet.It wasted way too much time that I should have been doing work.

There’s this great booklet from CCEF on Procrastination.That is a topic I deal with greatly.I still do.I would rather do anything but my work.In this book, though, there is this great quote form the author, Walter Henegar.He talks about this peculiar thing that happened on the cross.When Jesus is about to die he cries out “it is finished!”, but here’s the thing: the majority of Jesus’ active redemptive work was yet to be done.He had so much of the world that was yet to be saved and brought to himself.Henegar writes concerning this:

Jesus could say this only because he had done “all the work the Father gave him to do.”The connection to my own [Henegar’s] sin was clear: Unless I’m doing what God has called me to do, I’m doing someone else’s work.When I procrastinate, I’m meddling in things that are “none of my business”—like a busy-body.

I struggle with needing to be God in my life.I need to control things.I need to be the one that determines what works I am doing.The second my passions are mandated to me, I suddenly will do anything I can not to do them.I have seen this in seminary.Facebook became my mechanism of controlling what things I spend my life doing and not doing.

So, I gave up Facebook for lent.

And I haven’t missed it, amazingly.(And for those wondering, yes I did take off the facebook-messages-to-my-phone thing)

When lent is over will I go back to Facebook?Yes, but I feel more equipped than ever to see it for what is: an ultimately unnecessary thing that can be used for good things in moderation.I do love Facebook, but just like anything, it can be made an idol.Lent is serving its purpose, I suppose.

Those Catholics are on to something . . .

p.s. – I still have Facebook set up to import the posts from my personal blog onto Facebook as notes.So, for those that see this on Facebook, know that I didn’t have to log in to get this on there.For those that get this far in the post, please pray for me.

Seminary Semester 1 Wrap-up

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Semester 1 Stats:

  • Less than 4 months (Sept-Dec)
  • Pages of papers written: 114
  • Pages of notes taken: 154
  • Pages read: about 1,900 (+/-100)

Total pages written: 268 (I produced just over 13% of what I consumed)

Ending GPA: 3.2

Wow. This semester. Tomorrow begins semester 2 and I’m both excited and hesitant. This past semester gave me wrestlings and questions I never knew were there. It showed me depths and complexities of my own sin I never knew resided in my heart. I never knew just how undisciplined I am. It seems that the greater the work load, the more things I use to distract myself from doing it. The TV website hulu (that had that great Super Bowl commercial) consumed more hours of my life than did Greek or reading. I think I tripled how many shows I kept up with. It’s embarrassing and difficult for me to admit that, but it’s true. My Bible reading withered down to a few chapters a week. I didn’t get to spend time with anyone from my church. I questioned my place at the church, attempting to leave a few times before God exposed my pride and youthful arrogance and called me to submit to the place he had called me to. I realized I am self-willed, addicted to control and self-pleasure, and unwilling to properly steward the relationships and opportunities God places in my life.

In short: this semester was the most amazing 4 months of my life.

I just want to use the rest of this post to list out the main take-aways I got from this semester. If this is what just one semester does to me, I have no idea what 6 or 7 more will do. This is going to be an incredible experience. So I hope these lessons and wrestlings find a place in all your hearts as just one sojourner’s path down this bloody, uphill, broken, tear-stained, cross-bearing road called the Christian stumble.

  • My biggest take-away all semester: I am a weak and finite man wholly dependent on the grace of God for anything good within him.
  • The substance of this Christian life is one of God using people, circumstances, and His Spirit to show you the depths of your own weakness and sin, that you might see His love and faithfulness toward you to a greater degree and that this might lead you to worship and rest in Him more.
  • The entire logic and reason behind the whole of the Christian faith is ultimately circular, just like everyone else’s epistemology. But circular logic is okay, as long as you’re in the right circle.
  • God has so structured this “Christianity” thing such that it would all depend wholly on faith. Ultimately we believe in God because we do. Any reason other that that makes that the authority our faith is resting upon. This faith is messy. Our canon development, textual criticism, historiography, and even our very knowledge of God rests ultimately on our faith in Him, and not on any external standard or rule of truth.
  • I am more sinful than I ever dared imagined, but more loved than I could ever dare hope.
  • Due to the curse of God on this earth because of Adam, everything will war against me being the man God has called me to be.
  • God has given me the opportunities, things, and relationships in my life not to feed my lusts and insecurities, but rather for me to properly steward and enjoy them as God has providentially led them to be right now.
  • Sanctification is a crawl; it is no super-highway. It is progressive and rarely happens in spurts. I have waited too long for “the perfect sermon”, “the perfect song”, or “the perfect Bible verse” to change me rather than resting on and in the perfect righteousness of my Savior.
  • The imputation of the righteousness of Jesus Christ to His believers is my favorite and most precious doctrine of the Christian faith. Clothing His sin-stained Bride in the robe of His own life is the foundation of my acceptance and rest in the arms of my Lover.
  • Right theology must lead to both right practice and worship for it to be true Orthodoxy. Anyone studying the Bible who is not stirred at the affectional level is not doing theology, they are merely studying literature.

Semester 2 approaches tomorrow with me not as prepared for Greek as I should be, but with a fire in my bones and a grace upon my heart to find the discipline and time management to fully take advantage of all this semester has to offer. If you get this far down this post, please pray for me, that I might remain conscious of my finitude and weakness, trusting alone in all my Savior has accomplished on my behalf that I might freely enjoy Him and every nuance of who He is.

Grace and peace. (oh the beauty of those words!)

This is my Church: Epiphany Fellowship

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This is my church.  I love them so much.  I became an official member last week, and with seminary has come a greater sense of how big of a deal church is to God, so this was a really significant thing for me.  Oh the places God takes us!  He is so good.  This is a video with some of our members “going through” our core values.  Enjoy.  You will.

Hey Tim, thanks for the link.

Free Anathallo Hymns Album

/ Paul Burkhart / 9 Comments

Apparently, today was the day that Brent Thomas of Holiday At The Sea (formerly Colossiansthreesixteen.com) decided to start his blog over (you can read why here). So why does this warrant me writing a post? Well, Brent was the one hosting a free album by the amazing band Anathallo. Upon a quick glance at the new site, I didn’t see him express any intention of reposting those songs. So, I’ll be glad to do it myself. Here they are. Just right click the names and save:

Tracks:

Here is Brent’s old post telling the story of this album:

The Greek word anathallo means “To renew, cause to grow, or bloom again,” which is an appropriate umbrella for the band of that name. The band’s music is hard to categorize but yet familiar, experimental yet accessible and often focuses on the themes of renewal and redemption.

In 2004, the band recorded an EP simply entitled “Hymns,” a surprisingly sparse and traditional take on six hymns. The short release demonstrates the band’s loving attention to detail and the creation of ambiance and emotion, not simply through the lyrics but also the music itself. Incorporating many of the harmonies and odd instrumentations of their other releases the release, for the most part, remains true to the hymns themselves and honoring their content. The presentation is both humble and heartfelt, something missing in many “worship” recordings of late.

This was a limited release with all proceeds going to support a homeless mission. It remains out of print (and from what I understand, will not be reprinted) and therefore remains a mystery to many. I was lucky enough to purchase one of the few available copies several months ago and with the band’s permission, I am making the entire release available for download.

May these draw you nearer to Christ. Be sure to thank the band for their generosity.

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psalm33|18-22 {a prayer}

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“Behold, the eye of the Lord is on those who fear him, on those who hope in his steadfast love, that he may deliver their soul from death and keep them alive in famine.  Our soul waits for the Lord; he is our help and our shield.  For our heart is glad in him, because we trust his holy name.  Let your steadfast love, O Lord, be upon us, even as we hope in you.”
— Psalm 33:18-22

Our hope is only in your steadfast love O Lord.  I can be in nothing else, O God.  This is about you and me – you and me.  I need your Gospel  I need your Gospel.  In this Psalm, famine comes after deliverance.  Help me through the famine, through the weakness.  So I may further trust and hope only in You, Your love, Your faithfulness, and not my own!  My spirit is so willing, but my flesh is so weak!! So weak.  Strengthen my spirit Lord.  Take all of me.  It’s yours already, I know.  Exert Your rightful reign and authority in me to Your Glory.  Oh, Your Glory.  It is so sweet to my lips to say.  Glory.  Glory.  Glory. I need You.  Help me survive in the famine.  You will.  You’ve promised it, so it must be so.  My faith must be in that which is the only guarantee of it’s occurrence in Your Word.  My salvation, redemption, regeneration, and glorification – ALL things I do not wrought upon myself.  That’s how my faith must be in You.  Help me wait for You, because I am glad in You, because I trust You, because Your love is upon me.  David’s last plea is that Your effectual love would make this be.  It is mine as well.  Come.

Meditations on the Village Church, Matt Chandler, & my Heart

/ Paul Burkhart / 4 Comments

I knew I’d be proven wrong. I ended up meeting and seeing perhaps my biggest living hero this past weekend. Matt Chandler, of the Village Church in Dallas, TX was the means by which God stirred it in me to go to seminary; he was the means by which God started forming my preaching style; he was the means by which a bulk of my ministry philosophy was formed. In short, much of my life as it is now is because of this man’s faithfulness and how God has formed me to resonate with it. I’m in Dallas for a week to see family, so I went to a service at the Village Church this morning.

Being one of the fastest growing churches in America, I thought it wise to get there as early as possible. The service was at 9am, and I ended up getting there at about 8:15. My brother and I were the first ones there to the church, save for a few people setting up Communion. We actually got to the building the same time Chandler did. We walked up to the doors from the parking lot with Chandler, coffee in hand, and made some small talk. I told him I was from Westminster, had met their Counseling pastor at the CCEF Conference last month, and that I went to Eric Mason’s church. He apparently has a great relationship with my Philadelphia pastor, so he continued some of our brief conversation – now having made our way into the sanctuary – about Philly and Pastor Mason (or E-Mase, as Chandler called him). I thanked him for how the Church has ministered to me (trying not to seem like “that guy” though I’m sure I sort of did). He appreciated it, but then a congregant intercepted him for sound check business. Our “meeting” was over.

One of the overarching refrains of his sermon was: “you are not as smart as you think you are.” This was evident this morning as I realized that the sanctification I observed in my previous post is still in progress. For those that missed it (or just don’t feel like reading it), I talked about how I have historically idealized my heroes so much that it influences way more about me than it should. I wrote how in recent weeks, God has been disillusioning me about these men, so that I am “becoming my own man” as it seems.

Well, it wasn’t until halfway through the second song of the worship service I realized just how frustrated I was that I wasn’t able to get a good picture of both the worship set and Chandler praying! I wasn’t able to pay attention in any sort of capacity, much less actually meditate and see God’s beauty and sufficiency. I was restless at heart determined to find the images that would build myself up in others’ eyes and so put my security once more in people. As the blinders were rudely pulled off my eyes to my own immaturity and wrong worship, I was brought to one of those moments of self reflection where you’re almost ashamed to be in our Father’s presence. Where the sin in the deepest recesses of your heart is exposed to the light and it hurts. At the same time, though, Michael Bleeker started an original song about how our joy and security is in the wrath of God being poured out on Christ. I was then free. At least for the moment, my sin was plunged into the glorious wrath-consuming righteousness-imputing grace of God. Oh, the worship that comes from the heart that sees its own weakness and sin held as the backdrop against the display of the cross!

The rest of the service was amazing. No more pictures, no more video, no more angst about being able to “prove” that I have more “connections” than others. For those few moments at least, the grace of God so allowed me to be divorced from my lust for human esteem, my addiction to have others see me as someone worth being around. And I was able to worship God with all of myself in singing, prayer, and meditation on the clear communication and faithful preaching of His Word. In short, this morning was amazing. I’m really starting to wonder if God’s ultimately calling me to Dallas.

I love this church, I love its ministry, and I love my God.

So, please, I beg of all of you. Everyone that knows me. Everyone that reads this disjointed post. As often as the grace of God inspires you to remember. Always remind me: I am definitely not as smart as I think I am, but the cross of Christ is wholly gracious and sufficient in spite of that. It is in that gospel statement my greatest sin and greatest hope are held before my gaze both for His Glory and my joy.

Ah, what a good day . . .

All My Heroes are Dead (not quite)

/ Paul Burkhart / 1 Comment

[Here in the next couple of days I will hopefully write a summary of my first semester in seminary, but first I wanted to drop this note.]

I’ve been experiencing something strange in the past month. Historically I’ve fallen into that temptation to try and mimic my heroes. Anyone that knows me well knows this. I always have some new author, preacher, teacher, or friend that I very much enjoy sitting under the influence of. This has in turn influenced so much about me. Too much. I have often daydreamed about speaking like this guy or writing like that guy, comparing my every thought and action to the way they would do things. This happens more than I let on, and it’s something I deal with a lot. The Chandlers, Driscolls, Pipers, Mahaneys, Edwards’, Kellers, Owens’, Calvins, Greenes, Goodletts, DeRocos, Masons, Carlins, Powlisons, and Sinclairs (haha) of the world have had such an impact on me. They have affected the phrases I use (I say “unpack” way too much now because of Chandler), the material I write (Owens/Powlison in the heart, Edwards in the head), the thoughts I muse (Greene and Goodlett get this award), and sometimes even my motions (I caught myself doing a Josh Soto hand move the other day. I call it the “discus throw”).  At times I have to be careful because many people in the circles I run in know of some if not all these people and can (and do) call me out on it when I’m just being a clone. It almost happens unconsciously at this point.

The problem with this is obvious. I’m forced to wonder where my voice is; where my thoughts are; where my style is.  I fear so much that I would just copy someone else.  But something strange (yet wonderful – in a strange way) has been happening. In the past month, it seems like so many of those people (especially those that hold the highest pedestals in my mind) have been slowly but surely, one by one, unidealized for me. Through different books, interviews, messages, and exposures I have found myself thinking Oh, I don’t want his marriage; I don’t want his ministry; I don’t want to have to say all that; I don’t want that burden, so and so forth. Now, when I say “I don’t want” it’s not that what they have is bad or wrong per se; it’s just not my style. I have begun to see that I can’t just place myself into someone else’s narrative. God has a particular calling for me that will look very different from those guys and I should both rest and rejoice in that.

As I’ve become disillusioned to these men to a certain extent, I have found their walls of distinction dissolving in my mind as a synthesis begins to take place. I feel a voice of my own emerging from this. I have more ideas for writing and more motivation to do so. I’m finding my own articulations and approaches to things. I feel like I’m coming into my own and it’s exciting. Exciting enough to post this wholly inconsequential post on the blog just to get it out there. These are wondrous times indeed and I look forward to enjoying them to the full.

Onward, life!

Severe Mercy

/ Paul Burkhart / 1 Comment

This song has been my obsession this past couple of weeks as I round out my first semester in seminary.  I hope it stirs you as well.

The Cut by Jason Gray

My heart is laid
Under Your blade
As you carve out Your image in me
You cut to the core
But still you want more
As you carefully, tenderly ravage me

And You peel back the bark
And tear me apart
To get to the heart
Of what matters most
I’m cold and I’m scared
As your love lays me bare
But in the shaping of my soul
They say the cut makes me whole

Mingling here
Your blood and my tears
As You whittle my kingdom away
But I see that you suffer, too
In making me new
For the blade of Love, it cuts both ways

And You peel back the bark
And tear me apart
To get to the heart
Of what matters most
I’m cold and I’m scared
As your love lays me bare
But in the shaping of my soul
They say the cut makes me whole

Hidden inside the grain
Beneath the pride and pain
Is the shape of the man
You meant me to be
Who with every cut now you try to set free

CHORUS…
…With everyday
You strip more away
And You peel back the bark
And tear me apart
To get to the heart
Of what matters most
I’m cold and I’m scared
As your love lays me bare
But in the shaping of my soul
The blade must take it’s toll
So God give me strength to know
That the cut makes me whole