Praise

[I love this hymn right now]

/ Paul Burkhart / Leave a comment

Thou Lovely Source of True Delight

1. Thou lovely source of true delight
Whom I unseen adore
Unveil Thy beauties to my sight
That I might love Thee more,
Oh that I might love Thee more.

2. Thy glory o’er creation shines
But in Thy sacred Word
I read in fairer, brighter lines
My bleeding, dying Lord,
See my bleeding, dying Lord

3. ’Tis here, whene’er my comforts droop
And sin and sorrow rise
Thy love with cheering beams of hope
My fainting heart supplies,
My fainting heart’s supplied

4. But ah! Too soon the pleasing scene
Is clouded o’er with pain
My gloomy fears rise dark between
And I again complain,
Oh and I again complain

5. Jesus, my Lord, my life, my light
Oh come with blissful ray
Break radiant through the shades of night
And chase my fears away,
Won’t You chase my fears away

6. Then shall my soul with rapture trace
The wonders of Thy love
But the full glories of Thy face
Are only known above,
They are only known above

A Confession

/ Paul Burkhart / Leave a comment

” But you, O my love, for whom I faint with longing that I may be strong, you are not those material objects we can see, in heaven though they are, nor are you the beings which we do not see there, for you have created them and do not even count them as your highest works. How much more distant are you, then, from mere figments of my imagination, fantasy-bodies that have no reality at all! More real are the memory-pictures we form of objects which at least do exist, and more real again than these are the physical beings themselves; yet none of these are you. Better and more certain than the bodies of material creatures if the soul that gives life to their bodies, yet you are not the soul either. You are the life of souls, the life of all lives, the life who are yourself living and unchanging, the life of my own soul.”

— St. Augustine

Roller Coaster Theology

/ Paul Burkhart / Leave a comment

“For the Lord himself will descend from heaven with a cry of command, with the voice of an archangel, and with the sound of the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first. Then we who are alive, who are left, will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so we will always be with the Lord.”
— 1 Thessalonians 4:16-17

“Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, ‘Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning nor crying nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.'”
— Revelation 21:1-4

I’ll make this brief. There is a sequence of events described in these two end times passages in the Bible. (1) Jesus comes down. (2) The dead begin to rise first and then the living rise with them into the air to meet Jesus. (3) When Jesus comes down, He’s coming down with the New Jerusalem to establish His Kingdom on Earth. (4) Jesus will dwell with us forever om Earth.

So . . . it sounds like we are going to be lifted into the air, given our “heavenly bodies” (I imagine) and then come right back down to earth. Hmm . . .

What if God, desiring to hint at this in the way He created us, made the most exhilarating physical experience a human being could ever have be freefalling? Could it be that feeling testifies to a greater future reality that God wants us to be excited for and get a little taste of in the here and now? Could it be that Roller Coasters actually help by using this created tendency to their advantage so we may feel that rush over and over and over again until the Day we feel it ultimately? Perhaps. . .

Or perhaps it’s just late and I wanted to write this just to get “someone” excited over God because I’ll be at work all day and I’ll know they’ll read this. Perhaps.

Just something to ponder about.

The next post will be one of the following:
— A Discourse on Desire and Darwinism: an Apologetic
— Radioactive Isotopes and the Glory of God
— The Sweet Taste of Sovereign Suffering: Part III
— Nature vs. Nurture: the Creator vs. the Created
— The Imminent-Transcendent God we Serve: Meditation on Psalm 3:7
— The Four Perspectives Necessary to Maintain Your Faith in College

Votes are welcome and needed.

Damascus

/ Paul Burkhart / 1 Comment

A troubled heart troubled still as I walk in the valley of the shadow of death but Im the shadow of that valley as I strike them with one rod while another comforts them why wont they die as I strike them with My Left as your right upholds them all Ill kill them inhale Ill kill them exhale Ill kill them inhale so on and so forth I walk as the dust of My sandals covers their face while Mine is clean Mine is pristine following none but MySelf on this dusty Damascus road and
then—

a Light . . .
i’m Yours . . .

an Emanating Illumination
eliminating all i thought i knew.
a Light i’ll see no more until
i see Your Face again.

There-

in that Place where every taste
is satisfied;
every desire fully known,

and consummation here,
but until such appointed time
i wait . . .

and endure . . .

a darkness, a pain, a thorn:
a longing for the Light
that keeps me running-
keeps me racing.

a longing for the Light . . .
a longing for the Sight

that took mine,

but left me not in darkness
then, now, and nevermore.

A Prose of Praise to the One who Saved Me.

/ Paul Burkhart / Leave a comment

Actually, this title is misleading. I know not what will come of this late night inspiration of necessitated typing. A prose? An essay? A treatise, perhaps? Ah, the leading of a Spirit whose word made the world! I sit here at my desk, 1:30am, and I just got home from work – a long 8 1/2 hour closing shift at a casual dining restaurant. I smell like smoke, I feel like grease, and all I can think about is getting all this out into the world for all to read.

God has been so amazing. Ushering me into a time of effectual Grace, intimacy, and stilling, I know not what He’s doing and why. I have to wake Him often from the cabin of the boat of my soul to step out and calm the storms – those torrid uprisings of emotions, pains, doubts, fears – the sea foam blocks my view, the winds push me about, but still, still my God rescues me. He has been drawing me to an intimacy I’ve never known. The intimacy of one alone on a wooded path that curves so sharply at every bend, you never know what’s coming – though you know where it’s going the whole time. I recall the first theological dilemma my developing mind ever tried to grasp and couldn’t. Not the usual trinity, eternity, or who created God, but the verses in 1 John that talk of God being in us, and we in Him at the same time. What? I walk down this path alone but never by myself as an Incarnation walks before me, a Father pushes behind me, and a Comforter stills me.

Ah, stills me.

That stilling of my soul that still stirs me now. Be still, my soul; be still. Ah, to feel the waves and storms turn to crystal waters reflecting the Glory of a God reflected in the sunset reflected in the water reflected in my soul. I love Him so little. I must have more. Daddy, give me more! Give me more! Be still, my soul; be still. Ah. . . to find one’s face upon the cold linoleum of a darkened night pillowed by tears flowing from a familiar hymn that carries with it more weight than it probably should but breaks you nonetheless because of recent reminisces of 2 1/2 months one is trying to forget. To see the God of the universe speak through the shuffle an Apple-gizmo-i-whatever to that damn song once more! to call God to Be Now My Vision and to Give Me Clean Hands as I try not to think of You and Me as My Soul Sings forevermore How Great You Are O God! Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord God Almighty; who was and is and is to come!

As every facade by the hands of men comes crashing down about me, I’m quieted by the one support left still standing. A support that stands in silent adoration of the unfaltering faith of a broken woman who laid the foundation right. I stand on the shoulders of a Giant named Mama. Her faithfulness and prayers- the prayers she taught me- like the one when I was as young as five to always pray for my future wife. O my Beloved, how I long for you. So much more than I should. or should I? I don’t quite know. All I do know is that the faith of one woman is what will bring me to you in the glory of a Solomon, strong and worthy of trusting with your heart. Why did this typing turn to this topic? Am I meant to write these words? O God, if not, lead me to stop. Please stop me! Be still, my soul; be still. Daddy, speak through me as you will, as you want, as you must. Do this work. Oh Beloved, this is all for you – wherever, whoever, whenever if ever, you are. I’m meditating in the field. Draw your veil as I approach your beast of burden, led by One who works on my behalf to bring me to you. Why am I writing this? For whom? Me, or another? I don’t know.

Be still, my soul; be still.

The end is here as I prepare to fall more in love with the one whose Bride I am, for my next night of 60 minutes of time I give to His love letter, His praise, to Him. The time He has called me to only in the past few days, to give him 1/24th of my day devoted entirely to Him, everyday, to draw close to Him, or for Him to draw close to me – whichever. I am in Him, and He is in me.

I’m off to have couch time.

Daddy: still my soul; still my soul . . .

Until another restless night of meandering thoughts,

–paul<

A Portrait of the Artist as God

/ Paul Burkhart / Leave a comment

dscf0039.jpg

Summer is over. The autumn rains
Have descended like tears from an invisible god.
I lie on this rock, the ringing of the isle’s name
                                                                    drips off my ear
along with the stampede of water rushing
                                                             rushing through the silence

Clothed with beauty,
                              I began to understand,
The source of Jupiter-Zeus
And begin to form my own mythology
Within the realm of reality

I see the personality of the wind
The fright of the trees
                                the whispers of the water
The art of the sky the song of nature
My altar erected
                        I now understand

The quiver of twigs
                            the movement of fingers
through the hair of some autumn goddess
Golden; beloved and adored above all the others.

Birds in silent homage,
                                  while sabbatical flowers fall.
I smell the smell of my sacrifice
                                               burning at the altar
of my gods and goddesses as I long to merge.
Be made a tree,
                        the breeze
                                        the ground.

To know and experience all that I love
As lovers
              in one embrace
One flesh of flesh
                          Dust of dust.

My heart in one accord, in that which I was made for
Worship of somethings someone anything
                                                             never nothing
In hopes of finding joy.
                                   But,
As I lie in the midst of beauty’s nature’s beauty
I grow sad because:
For although they knew him,
                                          they did not honor him as such
or give thanks to him,
                                but they became futile in their thinking,
and their foolish hearts were darkened.

Claiming to be wise,
                              they became fools,
and exchanged the glory of the immortal for images
resembling mortal man and birds and animals and reptiles.

Because they exchanged the truth about him for a lie
and worshiped and served the creation rather than
                                                                          the Creator.

And I am no different.

Dear,

/ Paul Burkhart / Leave a comment

God,

How I love thee as I sin,

How I love thee as I cry;

How I love the as I look upon

The work your hands have made.

But I fear I fall more and more

In love with You for Your Works,

when

I want to fall in love with you.

Re: Dear,

I am in my works

I am He:

Who was,

and is,

and is to come.

I am.

I am He who gives mercy on whom I will,

And I have

opened your eyes

Given you life, given you freedom

And you have taken my mercy,

My favored child whom I love.

This, this Beauty before you: Take it.

I give freely to you; Love it.

Partake in all my Goodness- Taste it.

Come, rest thy head in me

My beloved child whom I love.

Yes, cry.

Feel it.

Feel me more in you,

and to you,

and through you.

Seek not me ( because you can’t).

Just fix your eyes,

open your arms,

and allow Me

To allure you with all that is before you;

Allow me to smash your idols as I

Whisper tenderly in your ear:

Sweet Everythings

Child,

I plea,

I cry,

I run,

I will,

I endeavor,

I die

That you will allow this burden to fall

And just taste

(that’s all you will need,

but return as you might,

To all Beauty I surround you with.)

Child, just taste and you will see

I am Good.

I do all things for the sake of my children,

Child.

I love you.

Enjoy,

Just read this

/ Paul Burkhart / Leave a comment

In my Old Testament class, we just finished a unit on the prophets. During that unit, I had the privilege of reading Hosea. Now, I did my own personal study on the minor prophets a while ago, and by far, Hosea is my favorite. I think it may well be my favorite book in the whole Bible, and this is primarily because of Chapter 2. Thus, I wish to post may favorite selections of Chapter 2. Here, God is using the metaphor of husband and wife to show the outworking of his relationship with Israel: God is the husband and his wife is Israel. When Israel worships other deities (in this case, the Baals), God considers it adultery, but when they worship him, it is consummation. This parallels to the rest of the church today, so count yourself in the reciept of these words if you have been seized upon by the gospel of God.

CONTEXT: God has just called the prophet Hosea to act out God’s feelings towards Israel by marrying a prostitute and then sending her away after she cheats on him, just as God has done with Israel it this point. Just sense the passion God has as he says these things. The following are selections from Hosea 2. For the full text, click here:

Plead with your mother, plead–
for she is not my wife,
and I am not her husband–
that she put away her whoring from her face,
and her adultery from between her breasts.
Upon her children I will have no mercy,
because they are children of whoredom.
For their mother has played the whore;
she who conceived them has acted shamefully.
For she said, ‘I will go after my lovers.”
Therefore I will hedge up her way with thorns,
and I will build a wall against her,
so that she cannot find her paths.
She shall pursue her lovers
but not overtake them,
and she shall seek them
but shall not find them.

Then she shall say,
‘I will go and return to my first husband,
for it was better for me then than now.’
And she did not know
that it was I who gave her
the grain, the wine, and the oil,
and who lavished on her silver and gold,
which they used for Baal.

Therefore I will take back
my grain in its time,
and my wine in its season,
and I will take away my wool and my flax,
which were to cover her nakedness.
Now I will uncover her lewdness
in the sight of her lovers,
and no one shall rescue her out of my hand.
And I will lay waste her vines and her fig trees,
of which she said,
‘These are my wages,
which my lovers have given me.’
I will make them a forest,
and the beasts of the field shall devour them.
And I will punish her for the feast days of the Baals
when she burned offerings to them
and adorned herself with her ring and jewelry,
and went after her lovers
and forgot me, declares the LORD.

Therefore, behold, I will allure her,
and bring her into the wilderness,
and speak tenderly to her.
And there I will give her her vineyards
and make the Valley of trouble a door of hope.
And there she shall answer as in the days of her youth,
as at the time when she came out of the land of Egypt.

And in that day, declares the LORD, you will call me ‘My Husband,’ and no longer will you call me ‘My Baal.’ For I will remove the names of the Baals from her mouth, and they shall be remembered by name no more. And I will make for them a covenant on that day with the beasts of the field, the birds of the heavens, and the creeping things of the ground. And I will abolish the bow, the sword, and war from the land, and I will make you lie down in safety. And I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy. I will betroth you to me in faithfulness. And you shall know the LORD.

And in that day I will answer, declares the LORD,
I will answer the heavens,
and they shall answer the earth,
and the earth shall answer the grain, the wine, and the oil,
and I will sow her for myself in the land.
And I will have mercy on those I called ‘No Mercy’,
and I will say to those called ‘Not My People’, ‘You are my people’;
and he shall say, ‘You are my God.'”

**Some punctuation and preposotions have been changed for continuity.

–paul<

A Portrait of the Artist as God

/ Paul Burkhart / Leave a comment

Summer is over. The autumn rains
Have descended like tears from an invisible god.
I lie on this rock, the ringing of the isle’s name
drips off my ear
along with the stampede of water rushing
rushing through the silence

Clothed with beauty,
I began to understand,
The source of Jupiter-Zeus
And begin to form my own mythology
Within the realm of reality

I see the personality of the wind
The fright of the trees
the whispers of the water
The art of the sky the song of nature
My altar erected;
I now understand

My heart in one accord, in that which I was made for
Worship of somethings someone anything
never nothing
In hopes of finding joy.

But,
As I lie in the midst of beauty’s nature’s beauty
I grow sad because:
For although they knew him,
they did not honor him as such
or give thanks to him,
but they became futile in their thinking,
and their foolish hearts were darkened.

Claiming to be wise,
they became fools,
and exchanged the glory of the immortal for images
resembling mortal man and birds and animals and reptiles.

Because they exchanged the truth about him for a lie
and worshiped and served the creation rather than
the Creator.

And I am no different.

i’m wet

/ Paul Burkhart / 2 Comments

as the title implies, at this very moment, I am soaking wet. It is currently 4:08 in the morning in Richmond, Virginia. I was sitting here all alone in my current apartment (Matt and Dan’s place, for those of you that know) when it started raining like crazy outside. Me being the romantic I am, I grabbed a lawn chair, took my Bible out there and started reading on the front porch. After finishing Proverbs 23, I, to be frank, felt led by God to spend time with Him in the rain. So, not wanting to disappoint Him, I went out. i was probably out there, in the pouring rain, all my clothes on for about 30 to 45 minutes, just pacing around the courtyard talking to God. At points I was on my knees, others I was kneeling, others bowing. He spoke to me about a lot of things, some I’ll share, others I won’t, but He just reaffirmed His prescence and authority in my life.

For those of you who have tuned in maybe to catch the last part on my series on the Godly woman and Godly man in the Bible, I am sorry to disspoint you, but I will not finish it. As I was praying to God, or rather, as God was leading me in prayer (as is generally the case), he laid on my heart a new desire. I told him: “God, I don’t want a godly woman, I don’t want a woman, I don’t want a relationship, I don’t want marriage, I don’t want a wife, I don’t want love. All I want is you.” i was reminded of the prophet Hosea, who was called by God to love and marry an adulturous wife, knowing she would be unfaithful. Now, I don’t think God is calling me to that, but I was just reminded that Hosea’s primary concern was the will of God, not his desires. I could come up with the profile of the perfect woman, but to what end? For me to seek her? No! That is using the printed words of the Bible to comfort my own lack of faith rather than following the Spirit those words were written in. All I need to do is become the man I need to be and God will form my wife into who she needs to be and he will deliver us to eachother Then, and only then, when God leads me to, I will pursue her.

My favorite passage in the Bible on a relationship is between Isaace and Rebekah in Gensis. Long story short, Isaac tells his servants to go to a neighboring town, seek out the woman that is the most self-sacrificing, and bring her back to be his wife. That is where I am. I am Issac, and God is preparing my wife until she is ready to be brought into my life by Him. In that story, when Rebekah is beign brought back to Isaac, what is Isaac doing? Is he writing blog entries about the way she needs to be? Is he getting his bed ready? Is he getting a haircut to get ready for her? No. Genesis 24:63-65 says, “Isaac went out to meditate in the field toward evening. And he lifted up his eyes and saw, and behold, there were camels coming. And Rebekah lifted her eyes, and when she saw Isaac, she dismounted from the camel and said to the servant, ‘Who is that man, walking in the field to meet us?’ The servant said, ‘It is my master.’ So she took her veil and convered herself.”

From this passage you can notice a few things: First, the Hebrew word translated here as “meditate” is the word “Suwach.” Most translations have a little footnote next to it in the Bible, saying “the meaning of this word is uncertain.” This is the only place in all of Scripture that this word is used. In other words, this word is special; used only here and is ambiguous in its meaing. I’m not an expert in Hebrew, but most translations make this word mean “meditate,” so I suppose there is a way to be uncertain about a meaning but know what it generally means. In short, Isaac was purely out in the field meditating on God. The Amplified version of the bible translates the word as “bow down,” obviously towards God. Whatever this word means specifically, generally it is definitely a verb of communing, speaking, musing and meditating on the higher power above. This is what Isaac was doing as he waited for his wife. The second thing to notice, is that from whatever Isaac was doing in the field translated as “meditating” the same Hebrew word meaning “to look up” is used to describe the action of both Isaac AND Rebekah upon seeing eachother for the first time. In other words, the exact same action used by Isaac to stop his “meditating” to look towards his future wife was the exact same action taken by Rebekah upon looking towards him. This makes me think she was also meditating in some way as well. Lastly, notice that when she realized this man was to be her husband, she “took her veil and covered herself.” I believe this symbolizes how the girl should guard her heart and not expose to much of herself to her husband. More specifically, I believe there is a part of you that you should only show to your spouse once married. An intimate, spiritual, deep part that should only be shown to and seen y your spouse. I believe this is what Rebekah was doing. This veil stood as a barrier between her and her husband that remained there until the moment they were married. It was only after that, he could see all of her.

In short, I believe the first two posts on the godly woman were in fact led by God to be written, but I believe God has led me to end it where it was for whatever greater purpose He has. There is sufficient enough info for people to take the verses and do with them what they may, without my two cents of interpretation.

Man, I really did not expect to write that much on relationships, AGAIN. I suppose that is an appropriate ending to the Godly Woman According to Proverbs. Well that’s it. This post is already so long; I had so many other revelations and musings from God from this awesome night, but it woudl seem so out of place with all I’ve written so long. So . . . I guess I will just save it for another night, at another time, or rather, as God inspires me to type.

God Bless all of you always, and remember. He is God. HE is God. He IS God. He is GOD. And we have fellowship and communion with Him. Man, that’s good.

–Paul<

-P.S. in case you’re wondering, it is currently 5:09 AM

just read

/ Paul Burkhart / Leave a comment

I couldn’t think of any non-cliche title for this post, hence the simple interrogative imperative (is that even a possible grammatical construct?). If anyone even considers reading this whole post, I encourage you to do so. It’s really not as long as it seems seeing as there are many quotes that take up a lot of space.

Any Christian out there knows that the Christian life is dynamic to say the least. The campus minister from my church is currently with many others from my church in Latvia doing missions work. We’ve exchanged a few E-Mails mainly about me mowing his lawn, but on the most recent E-Mail, I ended with this P.P.S.:

P.P.S. – On a personal note; Ryan, I need your prayers so badly. Today was one of the worst days of my life. Nothing huge huge occurred it was just the entire day was just BAD. On my way to work I got into an accident (nothing too serious), was at fault, got a ticket, the other guy involved said his arm was hurt (possibly broken), and I had the worst customers I have ever had as a waiter. Add on top of that I am so distant from God. I am becoming more and more worldlier everyday and am falling deeper and deeper into lust,worry, and my new sin that I never thought I’d fall into: DOUBT. The thoughts of whether all this (God, Holy Spirit giftings, salavation,etc.) is real or if everything I experience with the Holy Spirit is all emotional and made up within my head. The thoughts come and go ever so slightly and silently, but they are there nonetheless and I have never gone through it before. My soul feels like it is reeling and I am being attacked by so much all around me and everything but God has control over me. I haven’t read God’s word in days, and the last time I did, it was completely dead to me for the first time that I can remember. You know, I don’t even know why I am complaining; I know exactly how to get out of this, I’m just not doing it. All I can ask for is your prayers, Ryan. I feel so alone, restless, bereaved,downtrodden, lost, confused, and directionless. Each day I feel weighted down more and more with the further realization of my carnality and sinfulness. Everything is starting to fall apart all around me in my life, and I’ve just let it happen. I am so tired, so weak. I want to pray for you guys so bad, and I’ve tried, but I just feel like I’m spouting words – that’s it! Dead lifeless words that really mean nothing. I know you have so many things in your life to worry about, and you are on a missions trip,but just please do it. I need that strength. Sorry for being so unoriginally whiney. I’m sorry if I unintentionally put too big or distracting a burden on your shoulders with this. Just stay the course and do what you’re there to do.

That was probably last Saturday or so. Last Sunday I went to my church’s evening service still feeling this way. Before I walked in, I sat in my car and prayed to God to break me and do whatever was needed to get me where he wanted me to be. And let’s just say he did; big time. I’m not saying there was any completely life shaking truths revealed or that I realized I wasn’t saved, or I rededicated my life to Christ; we just had some good time together. After the normal sermon, the visiting pastor felt led by God to open the altar for prayer for anyone needing some for issues about there parents. It was so random and perfect (see the long post before the most previous short post) it could only have been God. I got prophesied over and really felt God’s reassuring nature over me and my life. God just showed me that he is still here.

After the service, I went to Church Hill in downtown Richmond, a hill that over looks the enitre city of Richmond (it is the best view in Richmond). I took my Bible out there and just had son Father/Son time with my only real “Daddy” (as I’ve so aptly started calling Him). It was then for the first time that I truly felt that adoption that takes place when one recieves Christ; when you are seen as truly one of God’s children. He led me to Psalm 63:

“O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you;
my flesh faints for you,
as in a dry and weary land where there is no water.
So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary,
beholding your power and glory.
Because your steadfast love is better than life,
my lips will praise you.
So I will bless you as long as I live;
in your name I will lift up my hands.

My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food,
and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips,
when I remember you upon my bed,
and meditate on you in the watches of the night;
for you have been my help,
and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy.
My soul clings to you;
your right hand upholds me.

But those who seek to destroy my life
shall go down into the depths of the earth;
they shall be given over to the power of the sword;
they shall be a portion for jackals.
But the king shall rejoice in God;
all who swear by him shall exult,
for the mouths of liars will be stopped.”

I realized just how desperate I have been for God, and how He has answered that desperation: He has answered it with the very thing he promised to His belivers in His Word – more of Him. Man, He’s incredible. There is no way all this isn’t real. I’m reminded of the C.S. Lewis quote: “I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.” Because I am a Christian, I take for granted all the things God has provided me and how He has shown Himself to be real. This is because the Christian life by definition is constant fellowship with the Creator of the universe. It’s sad to say, but this almost becomes too “normal” and “everyday” for some Christians and they forget all that they can see, sense, feel, know, do, and experience that non-Christians just can’t, or rather, don’t. I think that’s why in so many Psalms David wrote when he was in spiritual pain, he says things like “I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your wonders of old.” David kind of gives this as the prescription of getting through times when it seems God has withdrawn His prescence from you. As Matt said, He’s trying to show us if He is enough for us to be satisfied; if we can rejoice and praise in Him merely because He is God and not because of anything He has done for/with/through/by us.

I got to that point on Church Hill. God hit me with one really big realization that I just kept repeating over and over and over again to myself:

He
is
God.

He is GOD. As A.W. Tozer says, the first thing that comes to mind when you think of God is the most important thing about you. What does that word mean? GOD. We take that word so much for granted. Do we really understand how much weight that carries? This is the being that when asked who He was, He said, “I Am the I am.” He doens’t have to answer to us. We as humans should be satisfied just knowing one thing about God: He is. This is the Creator of the unvierse. In our English translation, during the creation account, our Bibles say that God said “Let there be Light!” But rather, the most literal translation of this phrase from the Hebrew is as an imperative where God more literally said:

“Light, be.”

That is strong. Just sit back and REALLY think of that: He is GOD. The very guy we worship and praise, and feel, and know, and have fellowship with is GOD. GOD!!! We think of the word GOD as being more of a name. No; it’s a title that GOD fulfills so much, it is His name. It’s like how every adhesive bandage is called a Band-Aid, when Band-Aid is a brand name, not what those things are called. The word GOD is the same way. The being that is GOD is the only thing that fully exhibits every charcteristic of the word so He is the only one that deserves the title. That’s why ever other god in every other religion is just god. Not GOD. There is no substitute, believe me. Believe me.

I’ll end on Ryan’s response to my E-Mail:

sorry things are down right now… Just remember, trials are part of the deal. They serve a very real purpose in our life of faith. Just keep puttin one foot in front of the other… When I am most down, I often try and remember a time when I was certin that God moved in my life… that usually builds my faith enough to not quit all together…

You are going to make it fella! A good meditation might be 2 corinthians 1. It helps gain perspective on tough times…

You are a mighty man. God loves ya, you are going to do mighty things… be strong friend(joshua 1.9 [“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”])

When I get back I am really gonna need to go to chipotle!

love ya man
_ryan

God Bless,
— Paul<

i just don’t know

/ Paul Burkhart / 3 Comments

well, as of last night, my parents are in formal negotiations to get a divorce.

This is a blessing and it hurts so much. My mom finally gets to get out of the Hell that is marriage to my father, but at the same time, you can imagine how much it hurts for her to pretty much say that the past 23 years of her life have been for nothing more than to raise two kids with great futures. She’s never been loved. My dad has stolen everything from her that every girl spends her entire life dreaming of. She didn’t get to plan her own wedding, her youth is gone, her vibrance is gone, her best chance at truly establishing herself in a career is gone, the submissive woman she was born as has been killed only leaving a hurting bitter woman. Chances are, she will never re-marry. She will never get to know what it feels like to be loved by a man that she can respect and serve. She will never get that.

I really feel like God has told me time and time again, and even now, that she will die a happy woman, proud of her life and satisfied, but with everything she’s been through, felt, seen, done, and lost, I just have no idea how that can be. Does anyone know how it feels to have to recieve calls at least two or three times a week from your own mother in tears? Having to come to you for spiritual, emotional, relationship advice because there’s no one else out there. Her dad is going through so much pain and could die any day now that her parents have even said they don’t want to be involved because it’s just too much to worry about, and they can’t deal with it. Her sister has changed over to my dad’s side, and so my mom doesn’t have her. In short, there are only a few people in my mother’s life that she can talk to. Her aunt, who is the outcast of the family, a cousin who she hasn’t seen in decades, a few people at her job that really don’t know details, they just love on her, and then there’s my brother and I. The only two people that can really be her knights in shining armor that she never had, and my brother is so young that he doesn’t get involved. So that leaves me. I have a full course load, full work schedule, church responsibilities, fears about money, a career I’m trying to establish, and my mother to care for. I single-handedly have to be the husband she never had. Teaching her spiritual truths, guiding her in Scripture, and bearing the greatest emotional burden I’ve ever seen on any one human being.

God has allowed this to happen to my mother for 23 years. WHY!!!!! The only way he has been glorified has been in the people my brother and I have turned out to be. We have broken the generational curse of my father’s family. It’s so easy for people to want to tell her to look at the blessings she doesn have and focus on those. Her children, her career, her . . . well actually that’s about it. It’s so easy for people to say that but what about faith? I was taught that faith was believing in the promises of God. The promises of God are that he wishes to prosper His people and many times through hard times. But he always gives people the grace and strength to remain strong through it. My mom wasn’t built for this. I feel I am the only person holding her together. She doesn’t have the strength for it any longer. She’s so worn out and tired. She lives everyday feeling the power of Satan within our household. She says it feels like this stench that just won’t go away, this slime that can’t be washed off. It permeates in everything that is said and done. She was made to be a loving, submissive, quiet Christian woman and was thrust into being the man of the house in everything because my father was so weak and unhelpful. She wasn’t made to do that. And people want to complain about her cursing and calling people names when she’s hurt by them. If you kick even the mildest dog long enough, even it will start to bite back after being hurt so much. Does that mean it’s the dog’s fault for being kicked? NO!!!! WHY ARE YOU LETTING THIS HAPPEN GOD!!!??? Where are you helping my mom? I love her so much, I’m caring for her so much. Don’t you see that if you save this marriage and end her pain now, you can be glorified so much more than if you let it die. WHY. why.

For anyone that does just happen to read this, this is not typical doubting of God. If anyone answers this, please don’t give any shallow cliche Sunday School answers, because this is so horrible of a situation, none of you could understand the depth, length, width, and breadth of pain that my mother has had to go through. I am quite literally, as a 19 year old freshman triple major in college keeping my mother alive in more ways than one. This is such a burden. It hurts so much. All I can do is cry. I feel guilty ever mentioning anything to anyone because this isn’t an easy situation to explain, and most people don’t want to take the time to understand; and that’s understandable. Believe me, I know how much of a burden it is to bear, and I wish it upon no one. I don’t know what I need. I need my mom to stop hurting. That is my only desire. the other day I was praying in the Spirit for her, and while I was facedown on my floor, I cried out to God, to put her pain on me so that she no longer had it. Instead of doing that, he gave me a taste of that pain. All of a sudden, I could feel the Holy Spirit within me, choking, gagging for air, and I felt like such a huge weight was on me, I couldn’t get up. That was only a taste of the pain my mom and her soul go thorugh everyday. Everything around her reminds her of the failure that is the past 23 years of her life. And she followed God every step of the way.

I’m not doubting God or losing faith in Him. I’ve seen His promises come true for everybody in my entire life, especially myself, except for my own mother. That’s what I just dont’ understand. She has been faith ful in every step God has called her to no matter how much more pain it put her in. She has been the strongest, most Godly woman I’ve ever known, and yet she is the most broken, bereaved, hurting, confused, dying, tormented, persecuted, lonely person I’ve ever known; and she just can’t do it anymore. Sh ejust can’t. She’s so, so very tired. I love her so much, I spend so much time talking to her, encouraging her, pushing her, trying to gove her strength, trying to sacrifice my life for hers the best I can as she did for me. Where is her reward. Not thorugh her sons, but HER reward. Where is her relief. She needs it. I want to take on her entire burden. I bleieve this has made me into a man that could handle it if I was able to. I feel like Joshua, having to hold up Moses’ arms with the staff during the fight. I wanna just hold the staff myself, and run down that hill and win the battle for her. I want to just give her the life she’s always dreamed of, the one she sacrificed for me. I want to be able to give her all that she’s never had, even though that’s not possible.

Please, no one try to help. There’s really nothing anyone but God can do at this point and he doesn’t seem to be doing anything right now. Don’t worry, neither of us are losing faith or love for God, we just don’t understand Him. No one can do anything but pray. Just pray. That’s all that can be done. Just pray . . ..

Just needed to vent and cry. Sorry for anyone that reads this and is burdened by it. That wasn’t my intention. I’ll wipe away the tears, and sleep, to wake up to one more day of smiling and telling everyone I’m doing okay, when I am so tired. But I’ve had 19 years doing it so don’t worry. I thrive on stress. Please just pray. Anyone and everyone. Just pray . . . That’s all that can be done.

Outward thinking

/ Paul Burkhart / Leave a comment

As most people know, I am a very dangerous mixture of a person.

First of all, I am an intellectual (this list is not in order of priorities of what I identify with more, it’s just for the sake of rhetorical flow) that feeds off ideas and knowledge; what makes me an intellectual rather than a pure nerd is that the knowledge I seek, discuss, and find I actually apply it to my life and adjust my behaviors accordingly. It’s not quite just simply memorizing useless facts. This gives me the storehouse from which I can pull info to tell people certain things.

Secondly, I am a Christian, which by its very nature gives me the responsibility and burden to tell people certain things.

Thirdly, my primary spiritual gift is as a teacher, which allows me the ability to tell people these things with a certain sense of authority (only from God, of course).

Fourthly and finally, the single adjective that can describe everything about me the best is the word “passionate” which gives me the desire to tell people certain things from that storehouse of knowledge in my head that so affects how I look at the world.

In short, I talk. A lot. I think I assume that others are like me and everything they hear they apply to the “big picture” of their worldview much like someone would apply a puzzle piece to a puzzle. That ‘s how I work. Don’t assume that I’m just constantly changing opinions. No, everyone knows that I have convictions. Rather, as is the case of spiritual truths, I believe the best way to understand God is to try to step back and apply each new truth you learn in your relationship with Him to the big picture of who he is. Most people hear a good sermon on God’s justice and then they proceed to fear Him until they hear a good sermon on His grace, after which they begin to just love Him and thank Him. I think in order to worship all parts of Him, we must be able to apply all truths, and all bits of knowledge to the big picture of who He is, not just as a long list of attributes on paper.

Anyway, my point is this. I have noticed in myself a definite spike in the level of discussions I’ve been having (both in quality and quantity) with Christians on deep theological concepts. a-millenialism vs. pre-millenialism and Charismatic/Pentacostal movements vs. Cessationsts have been the biggest topics. A lot of people don’t understand why I’ve been doing this; they continue to tell me that outside of salvation, this stuff doesn’t matter. That’s true and not true.

Where it is true that saving knowledge does not require a perfectly correct set of doctrinal beliefs, as I said above, each of these things affects our worldview – the filter through we which we see/feel/do all things.

So right now I am laying it all out there for everybody:
Though I spent most my life in a pre-millenialist, cessationist church indoctrination, I have since found those things to be unbiblical and incorrect. The truth, as I see it in God’s Word of a-millenialism and the full workings of the Holy Spirit have changed my walk with God in a way that I wish everyone could experience.

Finally, I come to my point of writing all of this tonight, including the preceeding poem (actually, they’re song lyrics, but I just put some loose structure on them and called it a poem). Those two theological things have for the first time began to give me the proper view of my spiritual walk: IT’S NOT ABOUT ME!! It’s about the Kingdom of God. Used to I was driven to evangelize out of fear for my friends, now I am driven by purpose – because to evangelize the lost is the only reason why I am still here on Earth rather in Heaven with God; it is my reason for living. That’s why I entitled this post “Outward thinking.” Because that is where we must all arrive; to a place of outward thinking where God will use the “foolishness of our preaching” even in spite of being “the chief of sinners.” God’s Will will be done in this Earth, and if I am to live up to my purpose, I must give God the chance for Him to execute that Will through me.

“I just want to be able to look in the mirror again and to see your face instead.”
“I will either fail or conquer, die or live, but either way I’m yours”
God I love you so much and fear you with all my heart. Help me not to get so wrapped up into intellectualism that it substitutes for you, because nothing can adequately do that. Help me be a true Christian that doesn’t obey you to get control or leverage, but rather obeys you to get more of You. Use me and my foolishness for your purposes O God.

Amen.

–Paul<