Personal

Mem’ries from beside the Water-bed

/ Paul Burkhart / Leave a comment

Crumpled bed sheets, crumpled life
Crumpled woman upon the floor
Another night, another fight
Her son standing at her door
Numb and tingling all at the same moment.

Sobs and sucks of a snot stuffed nose
Invites the child inside . . .
To hold her, to love her, when no one else does.
He can’t even look at her when she cries.

The tears of mama are salt in the wound
of his seven or so years of life.
The smell of her Revlon-colored hair
Recalls the essence of the source of her pain:

Quote “marriage” to this weak quote “man”
Takes happiness from her grasp
The half-cocked smile of this half-cocked man
Turns the knife . . .
ever so slightly. . .

What comes to mind upon first entrance
of his face into my thoughts?

A reed swaying in the breeze
Dead chaff moving with the forces around it
Weakness, passivity, and pissed-off pessimism
Define that which I call “daddy” and what she calls “pain.”

Sometimes God Doesn’t Just Manifest Himself as a White-Bearded Guy in a Robe Bowling During Thunderstorms

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Church Hill – no where else, God only above;
His warm arms hold me, His right hand leads me –
into peace and security and satisfaction and joy.
The personification and perfection of what is meant by
Home, what is meant by security, meant by hope, sustenance.
I feel His hands on my heart, my life, my strife,
Everything.
His warm arms surround every part of me.

But does the child have that?

In the Big Easy now the Big Difficult,
Can the arms of mama make the world a better place?
Will the waters recede at her touch? Only that
Which flows from his eyes can, will she brush away
With gentle tender arms, to
Soothe her sobbing son’s visage: blood-
Shot eyes peering from the black around.
Hunger pains. Hunger for Home, Security, Hope, Food.

Where are the arms of God there
that hold me so close and dear on my Church Hill of Calvary?

The arms of God are there in fact,

with dark, bruised skin,
a single shirt,
mud-caked legs,
tear-stained eyes,
and pain-shod memories.

He is there.

In fact, in a more real way than on that Hill of Church;
He is in every kiss of nappy head and ashy skin.
Indeed, both on Church Hill and in those waters,

there are truly just one set of footprints this day . . .

“On Fuel & Family, and the Costs Thereof” (a poem)

/ Paul Burkhart / 1 Comment

The cell burns from within the pocket
As the needle caresses the crimson “E.”
Justice questioned of the Almighty God
Over inevitability.

Car slows down, it’s time again
To press the speed dial “8;”
Re-bridging two worlds, renewing the scab-
Mom thinks all too late.

The red of the nylon vivid in hue
Tied to the basement rafter;
The blue of the note written on the washer
Heralding the hereafter;

The white of the face of dear old dad
Before kicking the chair from under him;
The brown of the sheriff ,came just in time,
To ring the bell and blunder him.

The images haunt the every thought
As gas necessitates the call
$2, $2.07, $2.75, $3
Causes this one to fall

Back to memories of screams and fights,
Of baseball bats and tears.
OPEC forces one still a child
To confront his darkest years

First once a month, then once a week,
Now once every couple of days.
Mileage doesn’t mean so much
anymore. . . .

Crude incites cruel making distance hit home

The sins of the father.
Justification.
All he’s good at – selfish ways.
Never really seeking the God of this earth
The only thing to save him.

Laying down a family at the altar of his god:
His excuse, his past, his illness, his, his his
Never hers
When she’s deserved it all.

One desires not to talk about it, one never does. Living away, detached from the reality, still hurting.

Pain. Pain. Pain. Tears of pain, fulfilling a role one never meant to fulfill:
surrogate husband to a broken mother.

Making a man of the child but still hurting her in the process.
Just . . . don’t . . . know . . .

Satisfaction and faith in Almighty God
Restores order to it all.
My only real Daddy in this entire world,
No matter “what” I have to call.

One strange paradox defining my world:
Joy, satisfaction, abundant life!!
Amidst all the pain of family hurt –
The constant signs of strife.

Provision not the source of belief,
Rather a recent application.
The value I hold, for my Lord, my God;
Mirrors the gas price of this nation. . .

Copyright© 2005

Peace, Peace

/ Paul Burkhart / 2 Comments

The hard followed by
The soft . . .
Then the long . . .
The pleasant crescendo of the hard.
Ending on the candle going out (“ps”)
Coming full circle once more.

“Perhaps” is the most beautiful word in the world.

Possibility, room to grow.
Ambiguity, all we know,
For now we look as in a tarnished mirror
But then we will know fully.
Until then, what can be achieved?

“Perhaps” is the most beautiful word in the world.

Depraved, Deprived, De-prosed
The human condition not fallen
Rather plunged to abyss.
Redemption our only chance,
But who can save oneself from drowning?
Can salvation come when it’s against one’s nature?

“Perhaps” is the most beautiful word in the world.

Now sanctified, glorified, satisfied, beside you,
Inside your glory.
Wide-eyed to the sin inside I’ve died to
in your name.
Then one lost is now one found
Wanting to worship, praise, adore, please, obey, trust, honor, love, sacrifice, just be
for the mere fact of who He is. Nothing more. Nothing else needed.

From the state I was can I please an infinite being?
Be made into His likeness?
Be molded to his purpose?
Commune with him forever?
Let him become my satisfaction above all,
pleasure beyond pleasures,
joy of joys?
Can His joy really be made my strength?

“Perhaps” is indeed the most beautiful word in the world.

Selah

Proverbs 28 musings . . .

/ Paul Burkhart / 1 Comment

this was the quick word from Proverbs 28 I wanted to give at Paedeia, but was not able to:

“When the righteous triumph, there is great glory, but when the wicked rise, people hide themselves.”
— Proverbs 28:12

This is what has happened to our country, our culture, and our campus. The last couple of generations of Christians, as a reaction to the “Great ‘Intellectual’ Awakening” of humans, withdrew themselves from the influential spots of society and culture. Used to, the brilliant thinkers, scientists, philosophers, politicians, and influencers of society were all God-fearing men. Brilliance is what faith is meant to evoke in us. We as a church withdrew from culture and allowed the wicked to rise as we hid ourselves in the woodwork, afraid of defending that which we are meant to defend. The Holy Spirit has been paving the road for this school year though. All last year and summer he has shown himself strong and true and prepared to work on this campus in a mighty way. God’s desire and plan for this year has been made clear. This is found later in Proverbs 28:28. he says:

“When the wicked arise, people hide themselves, but when they persih, the righteous increase.”
— Proverbs 28:28

He wants the righteous to increase and the wickedness to perish. Hoe must we as Christians go about doing this? The answer is in verse 1 of Proverbs 28:

“The wicked flee when no one pursues, but the righteous are bold as a lion.”
–Proverbs 28:1

This one verse hold many many impications:
– The wicked do NOT flee as a result from any pursuit, be it an intellectual one, spiritual one, moral one, or political one.
– The righteous, to make the wicked flee, need not DO anything, but rather BE something: that which God has called them to be. (One hearkens back to Ephesians where Paul says just to stand with the armor of God, not go fight.)
– What makes the wicked flee? Our boldness.
– Lastly, notice that it says “bold as a lion”. “A” lion, singular. not “bold as lions.” We are called to be unified in our purpose, demeanor, attitude, and boldness in this world.

In short, wickedness has taken this campus over, God has said that this is to end this year. How? Wickedness is directly related to how much the people of God are unified in being who God purposes them to be. We haven’t been. Wickedness will decreases, as unification and righteousness increase. So the campus ministries at VCU (namely Every Nation Campus Ministries) serve the singular purpose of creating new Christians and equipping Christians new and old to be the people God desires them to be. It is only when an entire culture of Chirstians have been established as being who they are meant to be in God as one new man bodl as a lion, that the wickedness will decrease.

i’m wet

/ Paul Burkhart / 2 Comments

as the title implies, at this very moment, I am soaking wet. It is currently 4:08 in the morning in Richmond, Virginia. I was sitting here all alone in my current apartment (Matt and Dan’s place, for those of you that know) when it started raining like crazy outside. Me being the romantic I am, I grabbed a lawn chair, took my Bible out there and started reading on the front porch. After finishing Proverbs 23, I, to be frank, felt led by God to spend time with Him in the rain. So, not wanting to disappoint Him, I went out. i was probably out there, in the pouring rain, all my clothes on for about 30 to 45 minutes, just pacing around the courtyard talking to God. At points I was on my knees, others I was kneeling, others bowing. He spoke to me about a lot of things, some I’ll share, others I won’t, but He just reaffirmed His prescence and authority in my life.

For those of you who have tuned in maybe to catch the last part on my series on the Godly woman and Godly man in the Bible, I am sorry to disspoint you, but I will not finish it. As I was praying to God, or rather, as God was leading me in prayer (as is generally the case), he laid on my heart a new desire. I told him: “God, I don’t want a godly woman, I don’t want a woman, I don’t want a relationship, I don’t want marriage, I don’t want a wife, I don’t want love. All I want is you.” i was reminded of the prophet Hosea, who was called by God to love and marry an adulturous wife, knowing she would be unfaithful. Now, I don’t think God is calling me to that, but I was just reminded that Hosea’s primary concern was the will of God, not his desires. I could come up with the profile of the perfect woman, but to what end? For me to seek her? No! That is using the printed words of the Bible to comfort my own lack of faith rather than following the Spirit those words were written in. All I need to do is become the man I need to be and God will form my wife into who she needs to be and he will deliver us to eachother Then, and only then, when God leads me to, I will pursue her.

My favorite passage in the Bible on a relationship is between Isaace and Rebekah in Gensis. Long story short, Isaac tells his servants to go to a neighboring town, seek out the woman that is the most self-sacrificing, and bring her back to be his wife. That is where I am. I am Issac, and God is preparing my wife until she is ready to be brought into my life by Him. In that story, when Rebekah is beign brought back to Isaac, what is Isaac doing? Is he writing blog entries about the way she needs to be? Is he getting his bed ready? Is he getting a haircut to get ready for her? No. Genesis 24:63-65 says, “Isaac went out to meditate in the field toward evening. And he lifted up his eyes and saw, and behold, there were camels coming. And Rebekah lifted her eyes, and when she saw Isaac, she dismounted from the camel and said to the servant, ‘Who is that man, walking in the field to meet us?’ The servant said, ‘It is my master.’ So she took her veil and convered herself.”

From this passage you can notice a few things: First, the Hebrew word translated here as “meditate” is the word “Suwach.” Most translations have a little footnote next to it in the Bible, saying “the meaning of this word is uncertain.” This is the only place in all of Scripture that this word is used. In other words, this word is special; used only here and is ambiguous in its meaing. I’m not an expert in Hebrew, but most translations make this word mean “meditate,” so I suppose there is a way to be uncertain about a meaning but know what it generally means. In short, Isaac was purely out in the field meditating on God. The Amplified version of the bible translates the word as “bow down,” obviously towards God. Whatever this word means specifically, generally it is definitely a verb of communing, speaking, musing and meditating on the higher power above. This is what Isaac was doing as he waited for his wife. The second thing to notice, is that from whatever Isaac was doing in the field translated as “meditating” the same Hebrew word meaning “to look up” is used to describe the action of both Isaac AND Rebekah upon seeing eachother for the first time. In other words, the exact same action used by Isaac to stop his “meditating” to look towards his future wife was the exact same action taken by Rebekah upon looking towards him. This makes me think she was also meditating in some way as well. Lastly, notice that when she realized this man was to be her husband, she “took her veil and covered herself.” I believe this symbolizes how the girl should guard her heart and not expose to much of herself to her husband. More specifically, I believe there is a part of you that you should only show to your spouse once married. An intimate, spiritual, deep part that should only be shown to and seen y your spouse. I believe this is what Rebekah was doing. This veil stood as a barrier between her and her husband that remained there until the moment they were married. It was only after that, he could see all of her.

In short, I believe the first two posts on the godly woman were in fact led by God to be written, but I believe God has led me to end it where it was for whatever greater purpose He has. There is sufficient enough info for people to take the verses and do with them what they may, without my two cents of interpretation.

Man, I really did not expect to write that much on relationships, AGAIN. I suppose that is an appropriate ending to the Godly Woman According to Proverbs. Well that’s it. This post is already so long; I had so many other revelations and musings from God from this awesome night, but it woudl seem so out of place with all I’ve written so long. So . . . I guess I will just save it for another night, at another time, or rather, as God inspires me to type.

God Bless all of you always, and remember. He is God. HE is God. He IS God. He is GOD. And we have fellowship and communion with Him. Man, that’s good.

–Paul<

-P.S. in case you’re wondering, it is currently 5:09 AM

The Godly Woman according to Proverbs, pt II: the disclaimer

/ Paul Burkhart / 2 Comments

Now, what I will attempt to do is create a profile right here of the godly woman that makes a godly wife with modern equivalents, application, and ramifications. But first, a note.

As I meditated upon these verses today, I was encountered with a realization: I believe some of these verses have been wrongly given the impression that these behaviors and attributes are to be the characteristics of both a woman AND a wife. The Bible gives biblical behavioral and spiritual mandates for only two groups of people (as pertaining to male and female relationships): those who are married, and those who are not. In the spiritual realm, and behavioral for that matter, there is no in-between. In a nutshell, if you are married, act like you’re married; if you’re not married, don’t act like you’re married. With this in mind, remember that if a verse says that a godly wife submits to her husband for example, that DOES NOT IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM EVEN BEGIN TO IMPLY that a girlfriend should submit to her boyfriend. They are not married, thus they should not act like they are. In that case, the woman is only to submit to her parents and God – no one else. Do not take any of these verses having to do with a godly wife and begin to think of them as mandates for a girlfriend – they are not, and to turn them into that is a perversion of the Word of God and should be repented of.

So, how will this be applied to today’s current post? All of these verses use the Hebrew word “‘ishshah” for the words “wife” AND “woman.” Some may use this as an argument against what I just said above, but one must look at the use of the word. The English words are not just interchangeable with eachother. You can’t freely substitute “wife” for “woman” whenever you wish. For the English translation, what dictates its use is the CONTEXT it is used in. After that is made clear, the definition and use are set, there is no subjectibility. I think this creates a beautiful picture of the way this works.

When a woman becomes a wife, SHE does not change, rather the context she is within does and THAT dictates her roles, responsibilities, and behaviors. So, if she has not changed, just her context, that means, SHE is still the same person, right? Thus, if she is to be successful as a godly wife, an unmarried woman need not necessarily be successful at doing those behaviors before she is married, just the ABILITY TO DO THEM when called to be in the context. This ability naturally will overflow into other characteristics of her personality. Thus, this next post will be the profile of the Christian unmarried woman who exhibits the capacity and personality traits best suited to be a successful godly wife. This will be based on literally applied scripture as much as possible of course, unless otherwide noted in places where I use some common sense to create a modern ramification, application, or if I extrapolate a personality trait of the godly woman from a characteristic of a godly wife.

Sorry for this philosophical trek through seeming obviousness to a point where I feel comfortable doing this, but as this is a big deal to me, I wish to cover all the bases. See ya tomorrow, people (or person, or no one, I don’t know)

God Bless,
–Paul<

The Godly Woman according to Proverbs, pt I: the verses

/ Paul Burkhart / 1 Comment

okay, as we embark on the characteristics of the godly woman and the ramifications thereof, I will start in proverbs. Maybe at a different time I can do the same thing with passages in Genesis, 2 Peter, Ephesians, and other places. But for now, enjoy “the Godly Woman According to Proverbs”!

The godly woman:
– she does not forsake the companion of her youth (her husband [see male eqiuvalent in Prov. 5:18]) (Prov. 2:17)
– she does not forget the covenant of God (prov. 2:17)
– she ponders the path of life (one of my personal favs) (prov. 5:6)
– her ways do not wander (prov. 5:6)
– if they do start to wander, she has wisdom enough to know it (prov. 5:6)
– she hunts down a precious life (my other personal fav) (prov. 6:26)
– she is not “guarded in heart” (i’ll explain later) (prov. 7:10)
– She is not loud and rebellious (prov. 7:11, 9:13)
– her feet stay at home (i’ll explain later)(prov. 7:11)
– she is not full of simpleness and naivete(prov 9:13)
– She doesn’t know nothing (prov. 9:13)
– she grabs hold of and holds fast to a good reputation/ “retaineth honor” (KJV) (prov. 11:16)
– she has discretion (prov. 11:22)
– she is the crown of her husband (another fav) (prov. 12:4)
– she causes her house to “continue” (literal of “build her house”) (prov. 14:1)
– she is a good thing to the man who finds her (verse says: “He who finds a wife finds a good thing”) (prov. 18:22)
– she helps obtain favor from God for her husband (prov. 18:22)
– she is full of prudence, wise understanding, and prosperity (all from Hebrew word “sakal” translated usually just as “prudent”) (prov. 19:14)
– she doesn’t say “I have done no wrong” after sinning (prov. 30:20)
– her price in the kingdom of God is far, above, and distant from that of even the most precious stones (prov. 31:10)
– she has the trust of the heart of her husband, and thus leads him to prosperity (prov. 31:11)
– she deals out goodness and pleasantness to her husband, and nothing evil, her entire life (prov. 31:12)
– This is interesting: she has the ability to contemplate and consider purchases and then make them with the profit from her hands!(Once again, I’ll explain later as this is often such a misunderstood and much ignored verse of such modern relevance!)(Prov. 31:16)
– She is strong in might and physical power (prov. 31:17)
– she has compassion for and gives to the needy (prov. 31:20)
– strength (both physical and figurative) and dignity, honor, and splendor are the first things people notice about her outward behvaiors (“her clothing”)(Prov. 31:25)
– she rejoices and laughs when appropriate (prov. 31:25)
– She speaks wisdom and teaches the instruction of goodness, kindness, and faithfulness (Prov. 31:26)
– She keeps a watchful eye on the company allowed in her home, and is not lazy
– her children even call her blessed and talk of her walking the right path. (prov. 31:28)
– her husband praises her in her godliness as it surpasses all others (prov. 31:28-29)
– She “Halal”s. A Hebrew verb meaning to be praised, boasted about, be worthy of that praise. Also means to shine, or shine forth light. (Proverbs 31:30).

Okay, I’m sorry. I will give my meditations and expoundations tomorrow. I’m really tired now.

love and marriage

/ Paul Burkhart / 1 Comment

The thing that God has been working in me the most for the past 4 to 6 months or so is how to be the perfect husband. I have often said that at the end of my life, I will be completely satisfied and content with all that I have done if I have done just two things: Made God happy, and made a woman happy. Both of those things are things that very few men ever accomplish in this life, and I strive to be one that does. So many people can’t understand it when I say this, but I am so in love with my future wife right now, whoever she may be. I have no idea if I have met her, talked to her, seen her, or not; I just know that i am so in love with her right now.

Now, I’m a very strong believer in the fact that some people are just not called to ever marry. But I am convinced that God has been working in me in such a way as to tell me that I will be married to a woman of his choosing, and this has my heart, body , and soul in a daze of healthy anticipation. I just can’t wait for her to come my way, but I can. You know what I mean. Just think about it:

In Ephesians 5, it is made very clear to us that marriage is meant to be a perfect representation of God’s relationship with the church; that is it’s purpose. So, God, being perfect in his wisdom and knowledge, in forging my life (if a wife is intended for me), has picked out a wife for me that is the only one that can have the ability to help me represent his perfect relationship with the church in all its fullness, beauty, and glory. Thus supporting my idea that it is possible to have a God-glorifying marriage that is a perfect symbol of God’s relationship with the church, because, as stated earlier, that is its purpose. I am so excited. Just think of how perfect she will be for me and I for her. I know the glorfication of God isn’t going to just “happen” in a marriage – it is hard work, but I am ready for it. When the time comes, and when God calls me to it. He hasn’t called to marriage right now, but he is definitely working in me. Work on, God.

So, anyway, for the next few posts over the next few days, I will go through the Bible and point out the verse that show characteristics of the Godly woman I am looking for and then what a Godly man should be.

God Bless as usual,
–Paul<

just read

/ Paul Burkhart / Leave a comment

I couldn’t think of any non-cliche title for this post, hence the simple interrogative imperative (is that even a possible grammatical construct?). If anyone even considers reading this whole post, I encourage you to do so. It’s really not as long as it seems seeing as there are many quotes that take up a lot of space.

Any Christian out there knows that the Christian life is dynamic to say the least. The campus minister from my church is currently with many others from my church in Latvia doing missions work. We’ve exchanged a few E-Mails mainly about me mowing his lawn, but on the most recent E-Mail, I ended with this P.P.S.:

P.P.S. – On a personal note; Ryan, I need your prayers so badly. Today was one of the worst days of my life. Nothing huge huge occurred it was just the entire day was just BAD. On my way to work I got into an accident (nothing too serious), was at fault, got a ticket, the other guy involved said his arm was hurt (possibly broken), and I had the worst customers I have ever had as a waiter. Add on top of that I am so distant from God. I am becoming more and more worldlier everyday and am falling deeper and deeper into lust,worry, and my new sin that I never thought I’d fall into: DOUBT. The thoughts of whether all this (God, Holy Spirit giftings, salavation,etc.) is real or if everything I experience with the Holy Spirit is all emotional and made up within my head. The thoughts come and go ever so slightly and silently, but they are there nonetheless and I have never gone through it before. My soul feels like it is reeling and I am being attacked by so much all around me and everything but God has control over me. I haven’t read God’s word in days, and the last time I did, it was completely dead to me for the first time that I can remember. You know, I don’t even know why I am complaining; I know exactly how to get out of this, I’m just not doing it. All I can ask for is your prayers, Ryan. I feel so alone, restless, bereaved,downtrodden, lost, confused, and directionless. Each day I feel weighted down more and more with the further realization of my carnality and sinfulness. Everything is starting to fall apart all around me in my life, and I’ve just let it happen. I am so tired, so weak. I want to pray for you guys so bad, and I’ve tried, but I just feel like I’m spouting words – that’s it! Dead lifeless words that really mean nothing. I know you have so many things in your life to worry about, and you are on a missions trip,but just please do it. I need that strength. Sorry for being so unoriginally whiney. I’m sorry if I unintentionally put too big or distracting a burden on your shoulders with this. Just stay the course and do what you’re there to do.

That was probably last Saturday or so. Last Sunday I went to my church’s evening service still feeling this way. Before I walked in, I sat in my car and prayed to God to break me and do whatever was needed to get me where he wanted me to be. And let’s just say he did; big time. I’m not saying there was any completely life shaking truths revealed or that I realized I wasn’t saved, or I rededicated my life to Christ; we just had some good time together. After the normal sermon, the visiting pastor felt led by God to open the altar for prayer for anyone needing some for issues about there parents. It was so random and perfect (see the long post before the most previous short post) it could only have been God. I got prophesied over and really felt God’s reassuring nature over me and my life. God just showed me that he is still here.

After the service, I went to Church Hill in downtown Richmond, a hill that over looks the enitre city of Richmond (it is the best view in Richmond). I took my Bible out there and just had son Father/Son time with my only real “Daddy” (as I’ve so aptly started calling Him). It was then for the first time that I truly felt that adoption that takes place when one recieves Christ; when you are seen as truly one of God’s children. He led me to Psalm 63:

“O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you;
my flesh faints for you,
as in a dry and weary land where there is no water.
So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary,
beholding your power and glory.
Because your steadfast love is better than life,
my lips will praise you.
So I will bless you as long as I live;
in your name I will lift up my hands.

My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food,
and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips,
when I remember you upon my bed,
and meditate on you in the watches of the night;
for you have been my help,
and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy.
My soul clings to you;
your right hand upholds me.

But those who seek to destroy my life
shall go down into the depths of the earth;
they shall be given over to the power of the sword;
they shall be a portion for jackals.
But the king shall rejoice in God;
all who swear by him shall exult,
for the mouths of liars will be stopped.”

I realized just how desperate I have been for God, and how He has answered that desperation: He has answered it with the very thing he promised to His belivers in His Word – more of Him. Man, He’s incredible. There is no way all this isn’t real. I’m reminded of the C.S. Lewis quote: “I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.” Because I am a Christian, I take for granted all the things God has provided me and how He has shown Himself to be real. This is because the Christian life by definition is constant fellowship with the Creator of the universe. It’s sad to say, but this almost becomes too “normal” and “everyday” for some Christians and they forget all that they can see, sense, feel, know, do, and experience that non-Christians just can’t, or rather, don’t. I think that’s why in so many Psalms David wrote when he was in spiritual pain, he says things like “I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your wonders of old.” David kind of gives this as the prescription of getting through times when it seems God has withdrawn His prescence from you. As Matt said, He’s trying to show us if He is enough for us to be satisfied; if we can rejoice and praise in Him merely because He is God and not because of anything He has done for/with/through/by us.

I got to that point on Church Hill. God hit me with one really big realization that I just kept repeating over and over and over again to myself:

He
is
God.

He is GOD. As A.W. Tozer says, the first thing that comes to mind when you think of God is the most important thing about you. What does that word mean? GOD. We take that word so much for granted. Do we really understand how much weight that carries? This is the being that when asked who He was, He said, “I Am the I am.” He doens’t have to answer to us. We as humans should be satisfied just knowing one thing about God: He is. This is the Creator of the unvierse. In our English translation, during the creation account, our Bibles say that God said “Let there be Light!” But rather, the most literal translation of this phrase from the Hebrew is as an imperative where God more literally said:

“Light, be.”

That is strong. Just sit back and REALLY think of that: He is GOD. The very guy we worship and praise, and feel, and know, and have fellowship with is GOD. GOD!!! We think of the word GOD as being more of a name. No; it’s a title that GOD fulfills so much, it is His name. It’s like how every adhesive bandage is called a Band-Aid, when Band-Aid is a brand name, not what those things are called. The word GOD is the same way. The being that is GOD is the only thing that fully exhibits every charcteristic of the word so He is the only one that deserves the title. That’s why ever other god in every other religion is just god. Not GOD. There is no substitute, believe me. Believe me.

I’ll end on Ryan’s response to my E-Mail:

sorry things are down right now… Just remember, trials are part of the deal. They serve a very real purpose in our life of faith. Just keep puttin one foot in front of the other… When I am most down, I often try and remember a time when I was certin that God moved in my life… that usually builds my faith enough to not quit all together…

You are going to make it fella! A good meditation might be 2 corinthians 1. It helps gain perspective on tough times…

You are a mighty man. God loves ya, you are going to do mighty things… be strong friend(joshua 1.9 [“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”])

When I get back I am really gonna need to go to chipotle!

love ya man
_ryan

God Bless,
— Paul<

i just don’t know

/ Paul Burkhart / 3 Comments

well, as of last night, my parents are in formal negotiations to get a divorce.

This is a blessing and it hurts so much. My mom finally gets to get out of the Hell that is marriage to my father, but at the same time, you can imagine how much it hurts for her to pretty much say that the past 23 years of her life have been for nothing more than to raise two kids with great futures. She’s never been loved. My dad has stolen everything from her that every girl spends her entire life dreaming of. She didn’t get to plan her own wedding, her youth is gone, her vibrance is gone, her best chance at truly establishing herself in a career is gone, the submissive woman she was born as has been killed only leaving a hurting bitter woman. Chances are, she will never re-marry. She will never get to know what it feels like to be loved by a man that she can respect and serve. She will never get that.

I really feel like God has told me time and time again, and even now, that she will die a happy woman, proud of her life and satisfied, but with everything she’s been through, felt, seen, done, and lost, I just have no idea how that can be. Does anyone know how it feels to have to recieve calls at least two or three times a week from your own mother in tears? Having to come to you for spiritual, emotional, relationship advice because there’s no one else out there. Her dad is going through so much pain and could die any day now that her parents have even said they don’t want to be involved because it’s just too much to worry about, and they can’t deal with it. Her sister has changed over to my dad’s side, and so my mom doesn’t have her. In short, there are only a few people in my mother’s life that she can talk to. Her aunt, who is the outcast of the family, a cousin who she hasn’t seen in decades, a few people at her job that really don’t know details, they just love on her, and then there’s my brother and I. The only two people that can really be her knights in shining armor that she never had, and my brother is so young that he doesn’t get involved. So that leaves me. I have a full course load, full work schedule, church responsibilities, fears about money, a career I’m trying to establish, and my mother to care for. I single-handedly have to be the husband she never had. Teaching her spiritual truths, guiding her in Scripture, and bearing the greatest emotional burden I’ve ever seen on any one human being.

God has allowed this to happen to my mother for 23 years. WHY!!!!! The only way he has been glorified has been in the people my brother and I have turned out to be. We have broken the generational curse of my father’s family. It’s so easy for people to want to tell her to look at the blessings she doesn have and focus on those. Her children, her career, her . . . well actually that’s about it. It’s so easy for people to say that but what about faith? I was taught that faith was believing in the promises of God. The promises of God are that he wishes to prosper His people and many times through hard times. But he always gives people the grace and strength to remain strong through it. My mom wasn’t built for this. I feel I am the only person holding her together. She doesn’t have the strength for it any longer. She’s so worn out and tired. She lives everyday feeling the power of Satan within our household. She says it feels like this stench that just won’t go away, this slime that can’t be washed off. It permeates in everything that is said and done. She was made to be a loving, submissive, quiet Christian woman and was thrust into being the man of the house in everything because my father was so weak and unhelpful. She wasn’t made to do that. And people want to complain about her cursing and calling people names when she’s hurt by them. If you kick even the mildest dog long enough, even it will start to bite back after being hurt so much. Does that mean it’s the dog’s fault for being kicked? NO!!!! WHY ARE YOU LETTING THIS HAPPEN GOD!!!??? Where are you helping my mom? I love her so much, I’m caring for her so much. Don’t you see that if you save this marriage and end her pain now, you can be glorified so much more than if you let it die. WHY. why.

For anyone that does just happen to read this, this is not typical doubting of God. If anyone answers this, please don’t give any shallow cliche Sunday School answers, because this is so horrible of a situation, none of you could understand the depth, length, width, and breadth of pain that my mother has had to go through. I am quite literally, as a 19 year old freshman triple major in college keeping my mother alive in more ways than one. This is such a burden. It hurts so much. All I can do is cry. I feel guilty ever mentioning anything to anyone because this isn’t an easy situation to explain, and most people don’t want to take the time to understand; and that’s understandable. Believe me, I know how much of a burden it is to bear, and I wish it upon no one. I don’t know what I need. I need my mom to stop hurting. That is my only desire. the other day I was praying in the Spirit for her, and while I was facedown on my floor, I cried out to God, to put her pain on me so that she no longer had it. Instead of doing that, he gave me a taste of that pain. All of a sudden, I could feel the Holy Spirit within me, choking, gagging for air, and I felt like such a huge weight was on me, I couldn’t get up. That was only a taste of the pain my mom and her soul go thorugh everyday. Everything around her reminds her of the failure that is the past 23 years of her life. And she followed God every step of the way.

I’m not doubting God or losing faith in Him. I’ve seen His promises come true for everybody in my entire life, especially myself, except for my own mother. That’s what I just dont’ understand. She has been faith ful in every step God has called her to no matter how much more pain it put her in. She has been the strongest, most Godly woman I’ve ever known, and yet she is the most broken, bereaved, hurting, confused, dying, tormented, persecuted, lonely person I’ve ever known; and she just can’t do it anymore. Sh ejust can’t. She’s so, so very tired. I love her so much, I spend so much time talking to her, encouraging her, pushing her, trying to gove her strength, trying to sacrifice my life for hers the best I can as she did for me. Where is her reward. Not thorugh her sons, but HER reward. Where is her relief. She needs it. I want to take on her entire burden. I bleieve this has made me into a man that could handle it if I was able to. I feel like Joshua, having to hold up Moses’ arms with the staff during the fight. I wanna just hold the staff myself, and run down that hill and win the battle for her. I want to just give her the life she’s always dreamed of, the one she sacrificed for me. I want to be able to give her all that she’s never had, even though that’s not possible.

Please, no one try to help. There’s really nothing anyone but God can do at this point and he doesn’t seem to be doing anything right now. Don’t worry, neither of us are losing faith or love for God, we just don’t understand Him. No one can do anything but pray. Just pray. That’s all that can be done. Just pray . . ..

Just needed to vent and cry. Sorry for anyone that reads this and is burdened by it. That wasn’t my intention. I’ll wipe away the tears, and sleep, to wake up to one more day of smiling and telling everyone I’m doing okay, when I am so tired. But I’ve had 19 years doing it so don’t worry. I thrive on stress. Please just pray. Anyone and everyone. Just pray . . . That’s all that can be done.

Via de la Rosa

/ Paul Burkhart / Leave a comment

It seems every night, before I lay my head to rest,
I ask myself
“how can I look at myself in the mirror?”

How did it all come to this?

This reflection is a snapshot of a fading glory
whose holiness
lies dying upon the sinking horizon of dusk.
—–
Has my spirit met it’s West?
Is my cup dry and cracked?
O God I pray to you above
to renew the joy of my salvation
that I once knew and loved (which was you)
—–
Complete slavery and submission to the world
are the new banners of my cause.
Going down for a new breath of air; feeling free
as the shackles tighten
and my breaths get shorter.

How did it all come to this?
—–
Has my spirit met it’s West?
Is my cup dry and cracked?
O God I pray to you above
to renew the joy of my salvation
that I once knew and loved (which was you)
—–
How did it all come to this?

I just want to be able to look in the mirrir again.
I just want to be able to look in the mirror again
and to see you face instead . . .
—–
Lord, take this cup from my hands and let me
pour myself into it.
My last stand is here and know as I cry to be
a lighthouse rather than the waves.

I will either fail or conquer
die or live;
but either way
I’m yours

This I give for you, bearing my tree through my
“Way of the Roses”
enduring the thorns and spittle upon my face.
This I do for you.

It ends now.

Father,
into your hands I commit my spirit.

It . . .
is . . .
finished. . .

Outward thinking

/ Paul Burkhart / Leave a comment

As most people know, I am a very dangerous mixture of a person.

First of all, I am an intellectual (this list is not in order of priorities of what I identify with more, it’s just for the sake of rhetorical flow) that feeds off ideas and knowledge; what makes me an intellectual rather than a pure nerd is that the knowledge I seek, discuss, and find I actually apply it to my life and adjust my behaviors accordingly. It’s not quite just simply memorizing useless facts. This gives me the storehouse from which I can pull info to tell people certain things.

Secondly, I am a Christian, which by its very nature gives me the responsibility and burden to tell people certain things.

Thirdly, my primary spiritual gift is as a teacher, which allows me the ability to tell people these things with a certain sense of authority (only from God, of course).

Fourthly and finally, the single adjective that can describe everything about me the best is the word “passionate” which gives me the desire to tell people certain things from that storehouse of knowledge in my head that so affects how I look at the world.

In short, I talk. A lot. I think I assume that others are like me and everything they hear they apply to the “big picture” of their worldview much like someone would apply a puzzle piece to a puzzle. That ‘s how I work. Don’t assume that I’m just constantly changing opinions. No, everyone knows that I have convictions. Rather, as is the case of spiritual truths, I believe the best way to understand God is to try to step back and apply each new truth you learn in your relationship with Him to the big picture of who he is. Most people hear a good sermon on God’s justice and then they proceed to fear Him until they hear a good sermon on His grace, after which they begin to just love Him and thank Him. I think in order to worship all parts of Him, we must be able to apply all truths, and all bits of knowledge to the big picture of who He is, not just as a long list of attributes on paper.

Anyway, my point is this. I have noticed in myself a definite spike in the level of discussions I’ve been having (both in quality and quantity) with Christians on deep theological concepts. a-millenialism vs. pre-millenialism and Charismatic/Pentacostal movements vs. Cessationsts have been the biggest topics. A lot of people don’t understand why I’ve been doing this; they continue to tell me that outside of salvation, this stuff doesn’t matter. That’s true and not true.

Where it is true that saving knowledge does not require a perfectly correct set of doctrinal beliefs, as I said above, each of these things affects our worldview – the filter through we which we see/feel/do all things.

So right now I am laying it all out there for everybody:
Though I spent most my life in a pre-millenialist, cessationist church indoctrination, I have since found those things to be unbiblical and incorrect. The truth, as I see it in God’s Word of a-millenialism and the full workings of the Holy Spirit have changed my walk with God in a way that I wish everyone could experience.

Finally, I come to my point of writing all of this tonight, including the preceeding poem (actually, they’re song lyrics, but I just put some loose structure on them and called it a poem). Those two theological things have for the first time began to give me the proper view of my spiritual walk: IT’S NOT ABOUT ME!! It’s about the Kingdom of God. Used to I was driven to evangelize out of fear for my friends, now I am driven by purpose – because to evangelize the lost is the only reason why I am still here on Earth rather in Heaven with God; it is my reason for living. That’s why I entitled this post “Outward thinking.” Because that is where we must all arrive; to a place of outward thinking where God will use the “foolishness of our preaching” even in spite of being “the chief of sinners.” God’s Will will be done in this Earth, and if I am to live up to my purpose, I must give God the chance for Him to execute that Will through me.

“I just want to be able to look in the mirror again and to see your face instead.”
“I will either fail or conquer, die or live, but either way I’m yours”
God I love you so much and fear you with all my heart. Help me not to get so wrapped up into intellectualism that it substitutes for you, because nothing can adequately do that. Help me be a true Christian that doesn’t obey you to get control or leverage, but rather obeys you to get more of You. Use me and my foolishness for your purposes O God.

Amen.

–Paul<

massive prayer request

/ Paul Burkhart / Leave a comment

Tonight was ENLI at Harvest. I got a word from God tonight that I just need to share. God really hit me with the fact that revival will sweep across this campus at the sight of a miracle; an outworking of His Spirit on this campus. Something big will occur. God really laid on my heart what that miracle could very well be, and that is what needs prayer. God thrust upon my heart a burden for a guy named Matt in my dorm. Matt has either Muscular Dystrophy or Multiple Scelerosis and is in a motorized wheelchair. He is not a Christian. God just told me that this guy will be healed and walk from his chair after an entire life in it and no prospect for the future. Right after getting that burden at the end of ENLI, I was walking back to my dorm and guess who crossed my path – Matt in his wheelchair. I was able to say hey and lay a hand on Him and whisper a quick silent prayer. I then proceeded into the elevator where I was just forced to begin praying in the Spirit and continued that in my room, followed by some pretty intense confessing of Scripture.

This is a huge test for my faith. I don’t know whether to ask God to heal Him, thank Him that He will, that He already has, or just believe it will be done. I’m really knew to this supernatural aspect of the Christian life, but I really believe that this can be the supernatural miracle God was telling me about that will finally set off the fire every spirit-filled Christian at VCU has been feeling and anticipating.

For anyone that reads this, please pass this on to anyone who has a gift of healing, or just anyone that is filled with the Spirit and has faith this can and will be done. This will need a great barrier of prayer. Something big is about to happen at VCU, I just know it. God is beginning to move supernaturally at UofR, and God is preparing to do so here at VCU. Everyone that reads this – just pray. Pray in the Spirit; He knows better than us what to say.

God Bless and have faith always,
— Paul <

I swear I’m not turning emo again . . .

/ Paul Burkhart / 1 Comment

God is good. Spring is evil. Spring is evil mainly for two reasons: First, the demon of Abercrombie skirts and halter tops returns to try and devour the souls of every Christian man trying to remain pure for his wife. The second reason why Spring is evil is that EVERYONE starts getting in relationships. Historically, I’ve been much more of a Winter/Fall dater rather than a Spring one, but I’m past the typical notion of dating.

Anyway, on to my main point of writing this tonight. Currently, it is 2:12 in the morning. I feel safe writing in this blog because I am fairly confident no one reads it. I’m really not complaining. It’s kind of exciting being able to say stuff with the potentiality of someone reading it, but the safety net of knowing you can be a little more blunt and open because your audience will be so narrow if not non-existent.

Okay, so is the bane of every 19 year old unmarried Christian male: I am lonely. Yes it hurts. No I don’t like it. Before I go on, I must reassure anyone who may read this that I am not whining, I am not struggling with any faith issues with God, and I am not regressing to where I was in high school where I get so focused on my own problems I lose sight of the Kingdom of God.

Bottom line: The past month, month and a half, God has been working in me in the area of relationships. Through my family, through IV, through individuals, through Harvest, and through just individual prayer and Bible Study He has been building me into a man of God prepared to embark on looking to the future. As Robert said at Paideia on Sunday: “Marriage is for men. It’s not where you become a man.” I feel like God has forced me to become a man now, earlier than most guys for some purpose unknown to me. With that maturation, though, comes a natural desire to establish oneself in the natural place in God’s earthly manifestation of His relationship with us: Marriage; and with that comes a natural desire to start seeking out and pursuing relationships with women, or rather a woman.

Here’s the problem: I’ve had my little “list” of women that filled what I wanted in a girlfriend/person to date/future wife for a little bit now. It’s only been this semester that I have actually met incredible strong women of God that have the same anti-cultural views of relationships as me that try to get as biblical as possible. Every girl on this “list”, though, seems to have fallen prey to the evils of Spring just recently by starting relationships on a deeper level (even if it’s not dating) with every guy around me BUT ME! Believe me, I’m just venting, I’m not whining. It’s just frustrating, you know? God has been building me up to the point where I now (for the first time) have the proper view of relationships, there purpose, there form, and their function. Would God really prepare me so early for a proper view of relationships just to not allow me to be in one? Maybe so. I don’t know. I learned the futility of questioning God’s supreme wisdom long ago. In my own earthly perspective, I feel like I am at a point where I can handle one of those few relationships that actually glorify God. If that is the case, human logic would say that God, wanting to be glorified in the utmost capacity of any human being, would provide a way for a relationship to develop because someone who can particpate in a relationship in such a way would glorify Him more with someone than without someone. Do you follow? I hope so.

But in the end, I keep being reminded of the calling God has put on me – to just go crazy for Him with reckless abandon. To get into the Word every day and to cultivate and develop a real tangible active prayer life. Believe it or not, those are more at the forefront of my mind than my worries about relationships. I just want to glorify God, and I feel like God has been working in me in such a way that He is/was preparing to call me into a relatrionship in order to glorify Him. That is all I want to do. Wait! I got a better way to phrase it. It’s like God has given me an increased capacity to glorify Him and I am currently not working to full capacity. Sure, I get some blessings and benefits from a relationship, but only if my focus is the kingdom of God and preparing, creating, and maintaining a life that can expand and glorify that Kingdom. It gets me excited all through my body and soul just thinking about it. You know what? I feel better already. Thanks a lot World Wide Web. I’m still frustrated, I still have those desires, and I still have those feelings of loneliness that hurt a lot right now, but I just need to keep trusting in God.

As Robert also said last night: “God did not tell us how to do this dating thing. He simply told us the kind of people we should be, gave us His Spirit, and then told us to trust Him.”

God, I am trusting you. I feel like I am approaching the crest of the roller coaster. Please be with me. This is a huge thing for me to actually place into your hands with reckless abandon. Please take care of me and comfort my soul, O God. I love you so much. I have faith you won’t let me down and I must continue in that faith. May I continue to attempt to glorify you in all I do.

— Paul