well, as of last night, my parents are in formal negotiations to get a divorce.

This is a blessing and it hurts so much. My mom finally gets to get out of the Hell that is marriage to my father, but at the same time, you can imagine how much it hurts for her to pretty much say that the past 23 years of her life have been for nothing more than to raise two kids with great futures. She’s never been loved. My dad has stolen everything from her that every girl spends her entire life dreaming of. She didn’t get to plan her own wedding, her youth is gone, her vibrance is gone, her best chance at truly establishing herself in a career is gone, the submissive woman she was born as has been killed only leaving a hurting bitter woman. Chances are, she will never re-marry. She will never get to know what it feels like to be loved by a man that she can respect and serve. She will never get that.

I really feel like God has told me time and time again, and even now, that she will die a happy woman, proud of her life and satisfied, but with everything she’s been through, felt, seen, done, and lost, I just have no idea how that can be. Does anyone know how it feels to have to recieve calls at least two or three times a week from your own mother in tears? Having to come to you for spiritual, emotional, relationship advice because there’s no one else out there. Her dad is going through so much pain and could die any day now that her parents have even said they don’t want to be involved because it’s just too much to worry about, and they can’t deal with it. Her sister has changed over to my dad’s side, and so my mom doesn’t have her. In short, there are only a few people in my mother’s life that she can talk to. Her aunt, who is the outcast of the family, a cousin who she hasn’t seen in decades, a few people at her job that really don’t know details, they just love on her, and then there’s my brother and I. The only two people that can really be her knights in shining armor that she never had, and my brother is so young that he doesn’t get involved. So that leaves me. I have a full course load, full work schedule, church responsibilities, fears about money, a career I’m trying to establish, and my mother to care for. I single-handedly have to be the husband she never had. Teaching her spiritual truths, guiding her in Scripture, and bearing the greatest emotional burden I’ve ever seen on any one human being.

God has allowed this to happen to my mother for 23 years. WHY!!!!! The only way he has been glorified has been in the people my brother and I have turned out to be. We have broken the generational curse of my father’s family. It’s so easy for people to want to tell her to look at the blessings she doesn have and focus on those. Her children, her career, her . . . well actually that’s about it. It’s so easy for people to say that but what about faith? I was taught that faith was believing in the promises of God. The promises of God are that he wishes to prosper His people and many times through hard times. But he always gives people the grace and strength to remain strong through it. My mom wasn’t built for this. I feel I am the only person holding her together. She doesn’t have the strength for it any longer. She’s so worn out and tired. She lives everyday feeling the power of Satan within our household. She says it feels like this stench that just won’t go away, this slime that can’t be washed off. It permeates in everything that is said and done. She was made to be a loving, submissive, quiet Christian woman and was thrust into being the man of the house in everything because my father was so weak and unhelpful. She wasn’t made to do that. And people want to complain about her cursing and calling people names when she’s hurt by them. If you kick even the mildest dog long enough, even it will start to bite back after being hurt so much. Does that mean it’s the dog’s fault for being kicked? NO!!!! WHY ARE YOU LETTING THIS HAPPEN GOD!!!??? Where are you helping my mom? I love her so much, I’m caring for her so much. Don’t you see that if you save this marriage and end her pain now, you can be glorified so much more than if you let it die. WHY. why.

For anyone that does just happen to read this, this is not typical doubting of God. If anyone answers this, please don’t give any shallow cliche Sunday School answers, because this is so horrible of a situation, none of you could understand the depth, length, width, and breadth of pain that my mother has had to go through. I am quite literally, as a 19 year old freshman triple major in college keeping my mother alive in more ways than one. This is such a burden. It hurts so much. All I can do is cry. I feel guilty ever mentioning anything to anyone because this isn’t an easy situation to explain, and most people don’t want to take the time to understand; and that’s understandable. Believe me, I know how much of a burden it is to bear, and I wish it upon no one. I don’t know what I need. I need my mom to stop hurting. That is my only desire. the other day I was praying in the Spirit for her, and while I was facedown on my floor, I cried out to God, to put her pain on me so that she no longer had it. Instead of doing that, he gave me a taste of that pain. All of a sudden, I could feel the Holy Spirit within me, choking, gagging for air, and I felt like such a huge weight was on me, I couldn’t get up. That was only a taste of the pain my mom and her soul go thorugh everyday. Everything around her reminds her of the failure that is the past 23 years of her life. And she followed God every step of the way.

I’m not doubting God or losing faith in Him. I’ve seen His promises come true for everybody in my entire life, especially myself, except for my own mother. That’s what I just dont’ understand. She has been faith ful in every step God has called her to no matter how much more pain it put her in. She has been the strongest, most Godly woman I’ve ever known, and yet she is the most broken, bereaved, hurting, confused, dying, tormented, persecuted, lonely person I’ve ever known; and she just can’t do it anymore. Sh ejust can’t. She’s so, so very tired. I love her so much, I spend so much time talking to her, encouraging her, pushing her, trying to gove her strength, trying to sacrifice my life for hers the best I can as she did for me. Where is her reward. Not thorugh her sons, but HER reward. Where is her relief. She needs it. I want to take on her entire burden. I bleieve this has made me into a man that could handle it if I was able to. I feel like Joshua, having to hold up Moses’ arms with the staff during the fight. I wanna just hold the staff myself, and run down that hill and win the battle for her. I want to just give her the life she’s always dreamed of, the one she sacrificed for me. I want to be able to give her all that she’s never had, even though that’s not possible.

Please, no one try to help. There’s really nothing anyone but God can do at this point and he doesn’t seem to be doing anything right now. Don’t worry, neither of us are losing faith or love for God, we just don’t understand Him. No one can do anything but pray. Just pray. That’s all that can be done. Just pray . . ..

Just needed to vent and cry. Sorry for anyone that reads this and is burdened by it. That wasn’t my intention. I’ll wipe away the tears, and sleep, to wake up to one more day of smiling and telling everyone I’m doing okay, when I am so tired. But I’ve had 19 years doing it so don’t worry. I thrive on stress. Please just pray. Anyone and everyone. Just pray . . . That’s all that can be done.